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Following the humiliating loss to Italy in the World Cup Ausfailure has announced the new national anthem, with music stolen from David Bowie’s Heroes song Zeros I, Italians sing While we, we are whinging With nothing on the scoreboard We can’t beat them, can’t beat no one at all We can score zero, every day Continue reading Ausfailure Announce New National Anthem As Ausfailure struggles to come to terms with the fact that they are pretty much crap at everything these days Aussies are leading the charge in blaming everyone but themselves for their crap performances. Even those who have buggered off from Loser Central to hide from the humiliating defeats still find their natural talent for Continue reading Ausfailure Whinge Again As the sad and sorry brokenhearted people of Ausfailure struggle to come to terms with their new found status as the World’s Easybeats at Sport another humiliation has fallen upon them. Yesterday they actually lost a game of cricket to New Zealand. Yes, New Zealand, a country that struggles to get 11 people to play Continue reading Ausfailure Humiliation Addiction Continues Beware of the slippery slope. Great Britain coach Brian Noble has stopped crying over the Tri Nations thrashing from New Zealand on Sunday and has set his sights on beating Ausfailure next weekend. After watching his side lose 42-26 to New Zealand at Loftus Road yesterday (AEDT) – putting the Kiwis on top Continue reading Aussie The Team To Beat In news just to hand Ausfailure has won something. Sports journalists the world over were rocked when Ausfailure’s International Rules team triumphed over Ireland. Ausfailure wrapped up the series on Friday with a 21-point win. “We desperately needed to win this match” said an ecstatic Ocker as he shed tears of pride over the long Continue reading World Shocked At Ocker Win The cricket World Cup in South Africa has been decided, according to a poll taken overnight in Australia. Most Aussies now believe with New Zealand safely out of the contest the title is all but Australias. ‘There was only one nation that could seriously challenge us’ said a Queensland pig breeder ‘and that was our Continue reading Cricket World Cup Over According To Aussies Bluey Crackersport Reports From New Zealand With just a couple of days to go before season 2003 kicks off there have already been several casualties. Craig Coleman was given the bums rush at Souths after continuing in the Souths tradition of losing heaps of games in a row. “Tradition is all very well when it Continue reading 2003 Season Preview Olympic gold medal-winning swimmer Ian Thorpe has an upper respiratory tract infection, Australian team doctors said today. Doctors said Thorpe started to feel the effects of the infection a couple of days a ago. Thorpe started to feel the effects of the infection on the afternoon of his 200m race on Monday. “That afternoon he Continue reading Virus Hits Aussie Team The USA swimming team today refuted Australia’s protest into it’s late Olympic entrant Willy Grunter, the New Jersey freak who was born with and outboard motor between his legs instead of a what’s it. USA team officials said that it was particularly cruel of the Australians to allege that Willy’s enhancements amounted to an unfair Continue reading USA Denies ‘Unfair Advantage’ Claim Runner Up Capital Of The World, Australia, today reached the unheard of tally of 21 second place prizes at the Sydney Olympics. “We are top notch at being second rate” said a patriot. Sources revealed that the avalanche of runner up prizes was going a long way toward restoring some national pride after the recent Continue reading Australia Silver Tally Reaches New High The Australian nation rejoiced as one today as it slumped to 4th place in Olympics. “I like coming second so much, I’ll have two of ’em” said King Packy The Second on behalf of his followers. USA remains on top in an unassailable lead and today paid tribute to the Australian effort. “We wish to Continue reading Out Of The Money And Loving It Soccer Thrills It sounds like a lot of money to some of us but 20 Million Dollars is peanuts to Obidias, Official Ball Sponsor for Sydney 2000. ‘We were happy to pay the 20 million (excluding kick backs) for the exposure, we believe we got a good deal’ Soccer fans this reporter spoke Continue reading Sponsors Thrilled With Exposure Lawyers representing the town of Lausanne are poised to claim 100 million dollars in damages against Australian fraudsters. Lausanne is home to the IOC headquarters, the Olympic Museum (where an exhibit on the Tour De France is on show), as well as the headquarters of more than a dozen international sporting federations. Though a busy Continue reading Lausanne To Sue ‘Aussie Fraudsters’ Hugh Gerection, today sacked for allowing lap dancers into the athletes village, said he would repeat the deed if he was put in a similar situation again. “Gizz a break Bluey” he told this reporter. “Skirts all part of the perks in this job” It is understood that games officials have decided to investigate the Continue reading Lap Dancers Steal Limelight Theft is Bad Opening ceremony disappointment and gold medal hope Cathy Freeman today apologised to Australians for being affected by the stolen generation. The apology was accepted on behalf of all Australians by King PACKY the Second. “This is a truly symbolic gesture and proves that you are ‘one of the good ones’ Continue reading Freeman Apologises Cathy Freeman may have upset 31% of Australians by having the audacity to light the Olympic flame while currently being an Aboriginal but she has at least broken a 12 year drought on track Gold Medals for her country Australia. Remarkably over 64% of Australia’s medal have been collected from messing about at the beach Continue reading 12 Year Drought Over In a huge upset, rank outsider Misty Hyman from the USA has defeated unbackable favorite, Australian Susie O’Neil in the 200 Butterfly. Known as Madame Butterfly for her dramatics O’Neil’s choke has been enthusiastically greeted by overjoyed Australians. A source from the NSW Choker Society said O’Neil’s failure would warm the hearts of Australians and Continue reading Choker Lines Up For Coveted Silver Medal HR-Hell HQ The NR-Hell today advised that judicial shaftings will now take place at the new purpose built head office for the NR-Hell Jokediciary. The building is situated at 14 Grovellenbeg Street, Central Sydney. A spokes person for the NR-Hell said the building was designed by a leading architect and was meant to Continue reading NR-HELL Move Into New Offices John Doe Rockhampton Police are today appealing to the public for help in identifying a John Doe who has turned up on their doorstep penniless and looking for a place to stay. Police feel sure that someone somewhere will know the man and hope by publishing the photo someone somewhere will be able Continue reading Authorities Appeal For Publics Help Once considered as Australian as tying down a Kangaroo Sport, Waltzing Matilda was today officially withdrawn as a candidate for the new national anthem. President of the Queens Republic of Australia, King Packy The Second said he regretted having to withdraw the song but he reiterated “If we have to pay for it then we’ll Continue reading Ocker Copyright Shocker |
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