Nice effort the Kiwis

Ausfailure’s Olympic Meltdown Continues

Source New Zealand Herald gives up a roundup of just how badly the former penile colony is taking the current wave of failure at the London Olympics.

Australia’s Olympic chiefs could do well to think about issuing Kevlar vests to their team.

With unexpected failures in the Games’ opening days, the media flak is already flying as the nation’s performance dips below the trend needed to give it the forecast fifth in the final medal tally.

There were the sideline dramas: unflattering photos and fitness doubts about veteran gold medallist, swimmer Leisel Jones; spats about selections and a hissy fit by relay runners John Steffensen and Josh Ross; a gender row over the flag bearer, settled when triple silver medallist Lauren Jackson became the first female in 20 years to carry it; the caning indigenous light heavyweight boxer Damien Hooper took for wearing a T-shirt displaying the Aboriginal flag

And then the men’s 4x100m freestyle team, led by golden boy James “the Missile” Magnussen, copped a flogging and sent the media ballistic.

Assorted commentary highlights included “diabolical“, the “biggest defeat since Gallipoli“, “an Australian missile crisis“, “swimming’s darkest day” and the “greatest swimming disaster since 1912“.

 In the Financial Review columnist Alan Stokes said of the reaction: “Thank Christ James ‘the Missile’ Magnussen didn’t lose to a Pom or a Kiwi“.

The women’s hockey team did just that, of course, with their opening 1-0 defeat to New Zealand, and Beijing gold medal rowers David Crawshaw and Scott Brennan were pipped by Kiwis Nathan Cohen and Joseph Sullivan in the double sculls.

There were warnings Australia might not do as well as at previous Olympics.

Even bankers pitched in. ANZ chief economist Warren Hogan and foreign currency strategist Andrew Salter said the Aussies were usually “vastly more successful” when the dollar was weaker and, given the muscular aussie, they predicted the nation would finish 16th in the final medal count.

Australia had been placing great hopes on its swimming strength – hence the poolside despair – and in cycling, now hit by the withdrawal of Cadel Evans, last year’s Tour de France winner.

It is still early days and Australians have been collecting more medals in the pool, with the nation’s tally at the end of Tuesday’s events reaching six – one gold, three silver and two bronze – placing it 12th overall.

But the consensus headline so far is “disappointed“.

Get Down On Your Aussie Knees And Thank God For New Zealand

It had to happen. It always does. When the Aussies crap out they steal a Kiwi, or all of them.

The did it to Phar Lap, Split Enz, Prince Tui Teka and even Russel Crowe until he started behaving like an Ocker.

Aussies even invented a word designed to steal Kiwis as their own – Australasian. An Australian is a Kiwi who beat an Aussie at something.

As Ausfailure’s London Olympics turn to custard the poor long suffering Ocker sports fan has been forced to use the term ‘Team Oceania’ in order to hide how sh!thouse their own team is,

Even the nation’s newspapers are no longer hiding the fact that if you are an Aussie and you want to get onside with a winner, you’ve simply got to forget about the green and yellow numbnuts and get on the Kiwi bandwagon.


Every long white cloud has a silver lining for Team Oceania

Silver medal ... Kim Crow and Brooke Pratley.Silver medal … Kim Crow and Brooke Pratley. Photo: AFP

In Atlanta 16 years ago, a huge billboard prominently displayed in the Olympic city spruiking the wares of a sneaker company proclaimed: ‘‘Second is the first loser.’’ Thus, upon this supposedly altruistic event was imposed the very American notion that second place sucks.

So what to make of an Olympics that, for Australia, has produced a small regiment of what we once called ‘‘Silver Streaks’’, ’’Silver Bullets’’, ’’Silver Linings’’; the customary cheery headlines for the plucky runners-up?

The real challenge to Australia’s sporting self-esteem has been issued by the Kiwis who, with three gold medals (all from rowing), were perched seven places higher than Australia on the medal table.

As of Friday night, Australia had won nine silver medals. Or, as the sneaker company’s  copywriter might put it, had lost nine golds. The latest Australians to occupy the second step on the podium were the rowing pair Kim Crow and Brooke Pratley, and the men’s 4000m pursuit team, both beaten by the impressive British.

Australia’s sole gold medal, in the women’s 4x100m freestyle relay, was achieved on the opening night of the swimming program. Since then basketballer Liz Cambage, who became the first woman to slam-dunk at the Olympics during the Opals victory over Russia, has been the only Australian to soar  over the opposition.

Mostly, it has been an opening week characterised by the bewilderment of James Magnussen, the tears of Emily Seebohm and the conflicted grimace of the other silver medallists, who seemed uncertain if they had failed or achieved. As cycling pursuit team member Jack Bobridge put it: ‘‘For four years we’ve only had one goal, and that was to step on top of the podium. So we’re pretty disappointed now.’’

In explaining why silver medallists often look less happy than those who win bronze, American philosopher William James wrote, more than 100 years ago: ‘‘So we have the paradox of a man shamed to death because he is only the second pugilist or the second oarsman in the world. That he is able to beat the whole population of the globe minus one is nothing; he has ‘pitted’ himself to beat that one; and as long as he doesn’t do that nothing else counts.’’

National Public Radio in the US noted there had been psychological studies made of the glum expression of silver medallists. ‘‘It was because silver medal-winners compare themselves to the athletes who won gold, and feel they came up short,’’ they noted. ‘‘By contrast, bronze medal-winners seem to unconsciously compare themselves to people who didn’t win a medal at all.’’

In London, Australians are finding themselves constantly compared to the buoyant British who, by Friday night, had won eight gold medals. Losing the so-called Olympic Ashes should not be unbearable given the British – heavily funded by lottery money and making the most of home field advantage – had been expected to do well, just as Australia excelled in Sydney.

Although, with Australia so often second best, the jubilation of the Brits was becoming a touch hard to stomach. About the only place the Team GB has failed is at the pool, where local heroine Rebecca Adlington finished third in the 800m freestyle. That left the British without a swimming gold medal. Otherwise, with even traditionally demure BBC commentators bellowing their support, the change of sporting fortunes between Australia and Britain seems complete.

Yet, even worse for Australia is looking up the medals table and seeing Sacha Baron Cohen’s comedic muse Kazakhstan (four golds) looking down. So too are Cuba (two golds), who are leaving the Australians both close, and with no cigars.

But the real challenge to Australia’s sporting self-esteem has been issued by the Kiwis who, with three gold medals (all from rowing), were perched seven places higher than Australia on the medal table. Which, in time-honoured tradition, will prompt us to embrace the spirit of great Australasians Neil Finn, Russell Crowe and Phar Lap and to note that, with four gold medals, Team Oceania is doing quite well.

Meanwhile, the pressure builds on those Australian athletes still given a chance to reach the top of the podium. Particularly Sally Pearson, whose appearance in the 100m hurdles might be the most anticipated (non-Freeman) run by an Australian woman in the main stadium since Raelene Boyle’s cruel double false-start disqualification at Montreal in 1976.

At those Games, the Australian men’s hockey team were favourites to win what would have been Australia’s only gold medal. They lost the final 1-0 to New Zealand.Disaster? Not at all. Just another great moment in the proud history of Team Oceania.


Gillard To Blame For Ausfailure’s Olympic Sh!t The Bed

Gillard To Blame For Ausfailure Being Sh!t At Sports For The Last Decade

Gillard To Blame For Ausfailure Being Sh!t At Sports For The Last Decade

It’s official.

Ausfailure’s 24 million sore losers have found a scapegoat for their craparse London Olympics effort.

Julia Gillard is the reason the Aussies haven’t been able to cheat a few wins in London.

Gillard became prime minister after former leader Kevin Rudd floated the idea of taxing the mining companies who really run the former penile colony.

Social media website Facebook carried this tearful message (pictured) from some random numbnuts.

Says it all really.

You almost want to feel sorry for the sad losing pr!cks, if only you could stop laughing for long enough to do so.

Ausfailure Losers In Tears At London Olympics

Emily Seebohm couldn't hold back tears after finishing second in Monday's 100m backstroke.

Emily Seebohm couldn’t hold back tears after finishing second in Monday’s 100m backstroke.

As predicted by Aussies are doing a terrific job at showing the world that they are just not quite good enough to be called winners these days.

The world was of course aware of that, but as usual the slow on the uptake Ocker boofheads are the last ones to wake up to just how utterly crap they are at everything.

So who do you blame when you are shite?

Well in rugby league it’s the refs fault as Saint Ricky Stuart tells us.

If that doesn’t work for you, ball your eyes out and blame the fans.


If you can’t beat the heat, blame it on the Tweets? That appears to be the strategy Australian swimmer Emily Seebohm is pursuing following her silver medal in Monday’s 100-metre backstroke final. Normally, a silver medal would be cause for celebration, but the 20-year-old was heavily favoured over 17-year-old eventual winner (and Canadian citizen!) Missy Franklin and came up just short (as you can see from the Wall Street Journal‘s popsicle-stick recreation). Seebohm’s 58.68-second time was less than a second-slower than Franklin’s 58.33 mark, but it was a substantial drop from the Olympic-record 58.23 the Australian put up in the previous day’s heat. Her original explanation for that? She lost focus by staying up late and responding to well-wisherson Twitter and Facebook:

“I guess when you swim that fast in the heat, then people put pressure and more pressure on you, saying, ‘Oh, you’re going to get the gold.’,” she told media.

“Maybe I just started believing that and just thought I’d already won by the time I had swum and I hadn’t even swum yet,” she said,

“I don’t know, I just felt like I didn’t really get off (social media) and get into my own mind.”

[Related: Canadian Brent Hayden swims for gold on Wednesday]

And as reported by, Seebohm wishes she’d prepared differently:

“When people tell you a thousand times ‘you’ll get the gold’ somewhere in your mind you are going to say ‘you’ve done it’,” Seebohm, 20, said.

I’ve obviously got to log out of Twitter and sign out of Facebook sooner than what I did.”

There’s no dispute that high-performance competition carries a strong mental component as well as merely a physical one, so Seebohm’s comments may well have some truth to them. It’s quite possible that reading all the messages she received caused her to believe her own hype and lose the cutting-edge focus required for gold. However, it’s also possible that the difference came from something else, and that could be either a physical letdown from Seebohm or just some bad luck. Also, if it was in fact the Twitter comments that caused Seebohm to lose focus, that’s much more on her than it is on anyone else; she’s the one who chose to spend time reading and responding to them before her event. In and of itself, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as Twitter feedback also could potentially provide motivation for some athletes to get over the hump; if it made Seebohm cocky, though, she’d be more accurate in blaming herself than in blaming her well-intentioned and supportive fans. Thankfully, that appears to be where she’s moved on to now:

I don’t think Twitter and Facebook cost me a gold medal,” she said.

“I think me, myself, cost me the gold medal. I think I was just too nervous for my own good and that just cost me.”

[Related: Diver Alexandre Despatie plays cards dealt to him]

Exactly. Sure, it’s quite conceivable that supportive tweets could cause an athlete to lose focus, but it’s also possible that they could help push someone to victory. No one’s forced to read the tweets sent to them, and no one’s forced to take anything away from them. If they were a distraction for Seebohm, that’s her fault for reading and paying attention to them, not fans’ fault for sending them. Tweets don’t kill gold-medal chances, athletes kill gold-medal chances.

As Olympics Loom Ausfailure Shows It’s Choker Class

Greg Norman move over, we have another great white choker.

Ernie Els kept feeling that something special could happen at the British Open, and it did.

But only after a collapse by Adam Scott that no one imagined.

Four shots ahead with four holes to play – after eight straight holes with nothing worse than par – Scott bogeyed them all and had to fight back tears on the 18th green on Sunday as the magnitude of his meltdown began to sink in.

Els, who started the final round six shots behind, finished off a flawless back nine with a 15-foot birdie putt for a 2-under 68 that looked as if it would do little more than lock up another runner-up finish at Royal Lytham & St. Annes. Instead, he wound up with his second British Open – the other one was 10 years ago at Muirfield – and fourth major championship at a stage in his career when it seemed as though his best golf was behind him.

The celebration was muted, unlike his other three majors.

“I’m a little numb at the moment,” said Els, who was on the practice green behind the clubhouse when he won. “First of all, I feel for Adam Scott. He’s a great friend of mind. Obviously, we both wanted to win very badly. But you know, that’s the nature of the beast. That’s why we’re out here. You win, you lose.

“It was my time for some reason.”

The wind finally arrived off the Irish Sea and ushered in pure chaos – a mental blunder by Tiger Woods that led to triple bogey on the sixth hole, a lost ball by Brandt Snedeker that took him out of contention and a topped shot that made former US Open champion Graeme McDowell look like an amateur.

Nothing was more stunning that what happened to Scott.

He failed to get up-and-down from a bunker on the 15th. With a wedge in his hand in the 16th fairway, he went 8 metres long and missed a 1m par putt. From the fairway on the 17th, he pulled his approach into thick grass left of the green. And on the final hole, he hit 3-wood near the face of a pot bunker.

Scott still had a chance to force extra holes with a strong shot into 1.5m on the 18th for par. The putt stayed left the entire way. His chin buckled, and it looked as if he might start crying on the green. He composed himself and mouthed one word: “Wow.”

“I had it in my hands with four to go,” Scott said. “I managed to hit a poor shot on each of the closing four holes. Look, I played so beautifully for most of the week. I shouldn’t let this bring me down.”

Even so, it added another chapter to Australian heartbreak, most of that belonging to his idol, Greg Norman.

Kiwi beer beats Aussies at their own awards


Monteith’s Brewing Company has shown it has what it takes when it comes to brewing beer, winning awards at the 2012 Australian International Beer Awards this week.

The old West Coast brewery in Greymouth collected a silver medal for the Monteith’s Celtic Red and two bronze medals for Monteith’s Pilsner and Monteith’s Original.

More than 1300 brews from 41 countries were entered in the awards, held in Melbourne.

Monteith’s head brewer Tony Mercer said it was always rewarding to win against the Aussies, both on and off the field.

“New Zealand beer is among the best in the world and our success at awards such as these are further proof of our brewing credentials.”

Mr Mercer is currently working on several new brews to celebrate the completion of the $4 million redevelopment of the Greymouth brewery.

Ausfailure Lose The Unloseable

You’d think the dumb ocker fatheads would have learned something by now wouldn’t you?

Just when you thought they couldn’t slip further down the slippery slope along comes some utter flipping drongo and adds another bucket of grease to the trip.

When Lockyer got his head kicked in by a team mate and ended his career with facial surgery the Broncoes one man team season was over, thus giving Manly a walk in to the grand final. All serial salary cap cheats Melbourne had to do was see off the woeful Warriors. Then Melbourne proved they weren’t up to competing on a level playing field and they got bundled out of the race by a team that was used to playing within the rules and isn’t owned by a phone hacking company. Maybe a hack phone company.

So the Grand Final looms and it’s Warriors versus Manly.

And what does the Aussie do? He steals the Warriors and claims them as Aussies.

As we all know, Ausfailure can’t win much at the moment. They’ve had their arses kicked in the league by the Kiwis for the best part of the last decade, Rugby League is so  weak in Aus that Queensland walk in to State of Origin series wins with gay abandon. In Rugby Samoa beat them. In Soccer Japan beat them. The only world prize they can claim is the World Championship for Infecting Koalas with Chlamydia.

Once Ausfailure claimed the Warriors as The Sydney Warriors the result was certain. They had to lose.

Meanwhile the Kiwis in the Manly team celebrated yet another Kiwi arse kicking of the loser nation.

Steve Matai was close to man of the match were it not for the fact that he is a Kiwi. Fellow Kiwi and Manly five-eighth Kieran Foran also enjoyed playing in a game that broke Ausfailure’s hearts.

“I missed out on the Leeds rout, the World Cup hammering and the Four Nations arse kicking as well so this really gives me an idea of what it’s like to take the Aussies down. It’s great” he said.

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key also joined the band wagon late and was not able to exploit the Warriors win to help win the next election.

“I like to keep politics out of sport” Key said from his Rugby World Cup office.

Meanwhile Queenslanders who cheered for the Warriors were today still whinging about the ref.


Lard Arse Nation In Denial

Ausfailure’s sh!thouse sporting efforts over the last 10 – 20 years have seen a negative side effect on the physical and mental health of this nation of professional losers, according to latest scientific studies.

Aussies ‘in denial’ about being overweight


They may live in the lucky country but Australians are in denial about their ever-expanding waistlines and claim to be the most unhappy in the world.

The findings came from an international health survey which also revealed that Australians were among the world’s biggest drinkers, coming in just behind their British cousins.

The survey by health insurer BUPA showed that while 64 per cent of Australians said they were in relatively good shape, there were some worrying trends.

A measurement of waistlines among the 13,000 people from 12 countries who took part in the survey showed Australians were world leaders in self-deception when it came to being fat.

While one-third of the 1200 Australians surveyed admitted being too fat, BMI (body mass index) measurements revealed their perception was far from reality with 60 per cent actually overweight.

The BMI results put Australia in equal third place with Britain, just behind the US and Saudi Arabia where nearly two-thirds of people were overweight.

While more than half of the Australians wanted to shift those extra kilos, 44 per cent spent less than two hours a week working out.

Three-quarters said they drank alcohol – second only to Britain, where 84 per cent enjoyed a tipple – and just over a quarter ate the recommended five serves of fruit and vegetables a day.

Bert Boffa, a practising GP and head of BUPA’s medical services, said Australians might not realise they needed to lose weight because they had become used to seeing more overweight people.

“If you look at pictures of young children on the beach 30 years ago, they were stick figures and now you go to the beach and kids aren’t stick figures any more,” Dr Boffa told AAP.

“It’s concerning because at the same time we are trying to get messages across to Australians about reducing weight and increasing exercise.

“But one of the barriers now is that they don’t realise they are starting behind the starting blocks.

“Some people out there are saying, ‘I’m not overweight, so I don’t need to heed this advice’.”

As well as battling the bulge, Australians were also struggling with depression.

One-fifth of the Australians surveyed said they suffered from depression, the highest result for any country.

China, New Zealand and Saudi Arabia had the next highest levels of depression (16 per cent) followed by the US and Britain on 14 per cent.

Thailand had the lowest rates at just seven per cent.

Beyondblue director and psychiatrist Michael Baigent said the number of Australians who self-reported depression in the survey was slightly above the estimated 14 to 16 per cent who were clinically diagnosed.

“The likelihood of someone self-reporting depression will vary from place to place,” Associate Professor Baigent said.

“In Australia there’s been an increased awareness (about depression) so people may be more willing to report themselves as being depressed than other countries where mental illness has an enormous stigma associated with it.”

The survey also found that Australians were most afraid of getting cancer (33 per cent) followed by dementia (15 per cent) and heart disease (13 per cent).

But 37 per cent said they did not visit a doctor when they had health concerns.




Sporting Losses Have Positive Side Effect

Ausfailure AKA Soft Cock Cafe

Ausfailure AKA Soft Cock Cafe

A decade of a sporting humiliation in Ausfailure men’s sport has had a positive side effect according to latest data from the former penile colony.

Sales of men’s jizz mags has dropped dramatically over the last few years according to media reports.

The latest circulation audit, released this weekend, shows lads’ magazines are hemorrhaging. The once-dominant FHM slumped by 20 per cent to a record low of 40,000 – barely a third of its 2005 sales. Zoo Weekly also suffered its worst result, dropping 18 per cent to 83,000. And the market is littered with corpses: in the past year, Alpha, Sport & Style and Ralph all folded.

“Being absolutely crap at sport means I don’t jack off half as much as i used to” said Dean Slapper of Tuggme NSW

“These days I’m down to one in the morning, and a couple after work at the boozer with the boys before going home to the wife and kids”

“Then I watch the news and get the latest sports failure results and after that I cry a bit and go to bed and get some sleep” he said.

Luckily for the girls their sports teams are going great guns so they are fair giving it a fair old lunge.

“We girls just wanna have fun” said Mrs Slapper “Sisters are doing it  for themselves” she continued.

Ausfailure prime minister Jules Gillard said the fact that Aussies blokes weren’t as a bigger wankers as they used to be in days gone by was good news for the country.

“Being the world champion wankers is one trophy we can afford to lose and be happy about” said the ginger haired dream boat.

However experts warned that with Aussie blokes not being fulltime tuggers the loser effect could spiral out of control.

“We got to the top of the world by being the wanker capital of the world and unless something is done to keep our wank rate up the flow on effect could result in less population and therefore would would have to rely on more and more immigrants to swell our sports teams”.

Ausfailure is currently defending it’s treatment of non sports playing immigrants to the United Nations Committee on Atrocities.

Aussies Celebrate Another Humiliating Loss

Sporting Failure Capital of the World Ausfailure has once more lowered the bar on how embarrassing it’s successive sporting humiliations can go with a predictable loss to Samoa.

Sources from Samoa say they were not surprised to have knocked off the Super 14 champions. “Yeah pro, we won, but when you look at it, we was only playing Ausfailure pro so you can expect to beat them easily, no what I’m sayin?’ said Felisi Fafaini, a fan from Nukaloser.

The sad quip in rugby circles following the Wallabies’ loss is that the late Bob Templeton can now truly rest in peace.

Although fondly remembered as a towering, influential figure in the game, Templeton never quite forgave himself for having coached the Wallabies to their worst defeat, the humiliating 11-16 loss to Tonga at Ballymore in 1973. But arguably he has now been relieved of that burden posthumously, with the unhappy distinction passing instead to Robbie Deans after the Samoans overpowered and overran his Australian side 32-23 at ANZ Stadium.

Grading sporting disasters is an inexact science at the best of times and, by very definition, a no-win exercise but at least Templeton and his players were all amateurs, somehow squeezing Test rugby into their busy working lives.

The Wallabies of today and their head coach can take refuge in no such excuse. They are all highly paid professionals yet somehow they badly fumbled the ball in the match that was expected to provide the drumbeat for the Wallabies’ triumphant march on this year’s World Cup in New Zealand, who hold the rugby league world championship tgrophy after humiliating Ausfailure in the game for the last decade.

An Aussie won the Tour De France though. The tour has been rocked in recent years by rumors of drug cheating.

The Problem Gambling Capital Of The World

"Gambling is for people who don't understand arithmetic" According to Oswald P Wrong

"Gambling is for people who don't understand arithmetic" According to Oswald P Wrong

It’s called chasing your money. Betting too much on your mob of losers to win the Tri Nations in Leeds, then doing it again for a win at 80 minutes in the next Tri Nations, then backing them to win the rugby league world cup, then losing it all on the Four Nations. Aussie punters have had a huge kick in the pants from backing the Kangalose.

We wont even hint at mentioning the humiliation that was the Beijing Olympics where they finished behind even England on the medal tally, nor will me remind readers of the arse kicking their unbeatable Sockerlose got at the Soccer World Cup including the opening 4 nil thrashing the Germany.

The summer of Cricket also should be kept silent as it would cause any Aussie punter to sh!t his pants to think how much he lost backing his pack of sad sacks who were unbeatable during the match fixing era.

So we’ll ignore all that and just look at the latest news coming out of Loser Central on how the Aussies are world leaders at problem gambling.

“Gambling is for people who don’t understand arithmetic” According to Oswald P Wrong, the noted world champion tipster. “Sadly, Ockers are world leaders at failing school as well” he confirmed.


WHEN the Australian Securities and Investments Commission quietly dropped its opposition this week to betting on interest rate moves it raised the odds of the lucky country continuing an unwanted winning streak.

The latest edition of The Economist ranks Australians as the world’s biggest gamblers per capita, spending the equivalent of €902 ($1208.75) each last year.

”Australia has led for the past decade, since we started doing this, and has always been well ahead of the other nations,” said Joel Keeble of H2 Gambling Capital, which provided the British publication’s data.

Ignoring the statistical anomaly that is Singapore – its two new casinos nearly match the entire Las Vegas strip in terms of the gambling spend – the next closest competition for Australia is Ireland, which spent less than half as much on gambling.

Electronic gaming machines, the catch-all term that includes poker machines, account for most of this outsized lead on other developed nations, H2 said, but it noted Australians’ propensity to engage in a range of forms of gambling.

This now includes bets on next month’s interest rate decision by the Reserve Bank after the commission dropped attempts to ban the practice.

As of yesterday, the betting agency that the commission targeted, Centrebet, was offering punters a $1.12 return if interest rates remain unchanged and $26 if they are cut.

The corporate watchdog objected on the grounds that this amounts to trading in derivatives without a financial licence – a reference to the exotic financial instruments that helped trigger the global financial crisis.

But the most contentious issue remains Australians’ love affair with poker machines. This accounts for the big gap with the rest of the developed world when it comes to gambling expenditure.

A report by the Productivity Commission said $19 billion was spent on gambling in 2008-09, $12 billion of it on poker machines.

The commission said up to 40 per cent of the money spent on the pokies comes from problem gamblers, representing a $5 billion drain on an estimated 90,000 people.

It has now become a problem for the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, who received the much-needed support of the independent MP Andrew Wilkie to form a minority government by agreeing to implement a national mandatory precommitment scheme to curb problem gambling.

Centrebet has the Coalition as more likely to win the next federal election, but Ms Gillard can take comfort in the fact she is favoured by punters to lead the Labor Party to the election.

More Silvers Headed Ausfailure’s Way

More silver medals for being not quite good enough are certain to be going to Ausfailure with the announcement that Rugby League will be coming to the Commonwealth Games soon.

When it comes to rugby league, like most sports, Ausfailure are currently runners up to New Zealand, a small sparsely populated island somewhere in the Pacific.

News story follows…

Rugby League’s success as a growing international sport has been recognised by the Commonwealth Games Federation at their meeting in the Malaysian capital Kuala Lumpur.

The Federation today gave its unanimous support to an application for Rugby League to become a Category Three sport, an important step which will enable the sport to continue to expand and develop across the globe.

The application was presented to the Sports Review Committee of the Commonwealth Games Federation by a delegation from the Rugby League International Federation led by David Gent, Chairman of the RLIF’s Commonwealth Commission.

“This is an exciting day for Rugby League and I would like to place on record my thanks to the Commonwealth Games Federation for their support of our application,” said Gent.

“Rugby League has a long tradition of being played in Commonwealth countries and so this recognition by the CGF will ensure that the game continues to prosper in regions such as Europe and Oceania.
“Recognition by the Commonwealth Games Federation will also enable Commonwealth countries in Africa, the Americas, Asia and the Caribbean to develop the game and help the RLIF strengthen competition at a Commonwealth and world level.”

“It will also guarantee New Zealand a Gold medal”, according Oswald P Wrong, a sports analist from Bummee NSW.

Full story and shocking pics at

Another Day, Another Failure

There's always next year

There's always next year

It’s not every day that records are set at Augusta, home of the Masters Golf Tournament, but every day some hacker fails to break the course record.

So it was when Loser Nation representative Jason Day came within one shot of the course record after his second round at the tournament it shocked no one that once more an Aussie choked and failed.

Ausgusta is the course where Greg ‘The Sharks’ Norman performed his famous chokathon when he blew an 8 shot lead going into the final round losing to, of all things, a pom.

“When I failed I thought of Greg immediately” said a shattered Day.

Fellow Ocker Stuart Appleby, at three-over, was destined to miss the cut.

Choking is a national pastime in Ausfailure as is snapping the boat in half and sinking while chasing the Kiwi vessel at San Diego.

Apple Growers Big Whinge Becomes Big Wank

Big Whinge Becomes Big Wank

Apple Growers Face Stiff Competition


Aussies apple growers have not taken being told that their illegal import restrictions against high quality New Zealand apples lying down.

After locals banded together to apply for funding to repaint the Granite Belt’s iconic Big Apple they settled on a new white apple with a red sign.

A prominent apple growers shadow can be seen in the photo and some suggest he is about to masturbate.

“Pull the other one” he said as he spat on his hand.

New Zealand apples were originally banned to prevent disease but it was found that this argument was typical Aussie bullsh!t.

Aussie’s are world famous for lying, cheating and general dishonesty along with underarm bowling and being drunk all the time.

“That’s not completely true” lied Samuel Brokebackmountain, an arse bandit Ocker liar from Bummee NSW. “We are also famous for losing at sport a lot” he said before chundering and filling his pants whilst trying to order another jug.

New Zealand apple growers were not concerned by the Big Apple sign calling for another illegal ban.

“The ban was illegal and these people are wanting to break the law, that’s typical of Aussies” said Fred Delicious from Henderson New Zealand.

New Zealand apples now out sell the inferior Aussie varieties by 200 to 1.

Aussies Provide Vital Evolution Link

Chimpanzees' behaviour compares favourably with Australian bosses, according to research.

Chimpanzees' behaviour compares favourably with Australian bosses, according to research.

The verdict is in, evolution is a fact and it has taken Ausfailure to show the world the proof.

While it’s charming to think that arse scratching finger sniffing apes are not our relatives a recent study of the primitive culture of Ausfailure has proven that taking the kids to the zoo to watch the chimps flick snot at each other isn’t that much different from a day in the average Ausfailure office.

The results come as no surprise to anthropologists who have long argued that Ausfailure should be excused for a part of it’s cultural bestiality due to their place in the evolutionary chain.

“Shag, why do you think they called the Queensland Rugby League team Banana Benders?” said noted expert on pretty much everything Oswald P Wrong.

“For fuggs sake, they named the original capital Darwin as well. What more do you need to know” said Wrong.

Creationists are uncomfortable discussing the issue.

“I accept that when you study Aussies, it’s easy to conclude we are descended from apes, in fact, it’s fuggen impossible to come to any other fuggen confuggenclusion” said a pope who asked not to be named.

Ausfailure primate minister Julia Gillard refused to be drawn on the topic saying she was far too busy watching the male Aussies in the room play with their stiffys.


Why your boss is a middle class show-off

Your boss might not urinate in his large corner office, but a new report claims the evolutionary signs of managers marking out their territory are everywhere.

Researchers have laid bare the behaviour of Australian bosses, revealing how everything from the pink shirt under their power suit to the size of their leather-backed chair and their choice of jargon-heavy management speak mimic the strutting and chest puffing seen among our animal ancestors.

They say bosses don’t spend as much time reading or working at their computer alone as employees think they do, and instead pass the vast majority of the day in meetings where they stamp their authority with the biggest chair, a louder voice and frequent interruptions to conversation.

“A favourable comparison can be made with the similar role of the alpha male in capuchin monkeys, chimpanzees and Japanese macaques,” states the report by the University of NSW.

The research is based on hundreds of interviews with managers and employees in hospitals but lead researcher Professor Jeffrey Braithwaite, from the Institute of Health Innovation, said the findings are true for all industries from advertising to construction.

He says it shows the prehistoric behaviours, such as male domination, protecting what is perceived as their “turf” and ostracising those who do not agree with the group, is more commonplace in everyday work situations than many want to accept.

“What we found was universal animalistic displays of power, masculinity, sexuality and authority that seem to be hard-wired in,” Prof Braithwaite said.

“This tribal culture is similar to what we would have seen in hunter gather bands on the savannah in southern Africa.”

The report, published in the Journal of Health Organisation, gives an anthropological breakdown of boss behaviours, explaining their preference for “firm handshakes, dense jargon and frequent use of acronyms”.

Depending on their rank, they get later-model vehicles, nicer mobile phones and “expensive-looking office furniture” so their privileged, dominant position is on full display for employees.

They dress in the ubiquitous “power uniform”, preferring grey or navy suits, either plain or subtly striped, and cream shirts, or a brighter pink or blue alternative for the younger, more adventurous boss.

The piece de resistance was the tie which Prof Braithwaite describes as the male human’s equivalent to a peacock’s plumage.

“The splash of colour at the breast to signal importance, status and `I’m on the move’,” he said.

“There’s also sexual undertones here, as there always are in the workplace. It’s covert of course. You might not see people copulating on desks, but sexuality is everywhere in the workplace, and no less with the boss.”

The research focuses on male healthcare managers, with the dynamic likely very different among female bosses, researchers said.

Eat A Koala? Yeah Right


Car stickers suggesting people should eat koalas have outraged environmental groups, the RSPCA and politicians in Brisbane.

The stickers feature a black knife and fork crossing over the top of the Redland City Council’s colourful koala logo with the words Save The Redlands … Eat a Koala.

The stickers and slogan sparked debate on Fairfax Radio 4BC, prompting state MP for Cleveland Mark Robinson to phone in and condemn them.

“I talked about the importance of koalas to our area and that they are in decline and we need to look for ways to mitigate the human impact on them,” Mr Robinson said.

“We need to find better ways for koalas and humans to coexist in the Redlands without stopping development and growth.”

Sticker designer and businessman Graham Parker said he designed the tongue-in-cheek slogan to make Redland City Council take notice of the “dying breeds of businesses” in the area, south-east of Brisbane.

“The stickers I have been making are a protest against the council’s single focus on koalas and lack of interest in protecting businesses,” Mr Parker said.

“The eat-a-koala stickers are not meant to encourage people to eat the furry little critters, they are just highlighting the other extreme and opposite point of view to the council’s.

Koala’s are currently highly infested with chlamydia and are not recommended for eating.

Experts have long asked Aussies to stop rooting the little creatures but the calls have fallen on deaf ears.

Late last year Kangalose test player Joel Monaghan was premeturely ejected from his NR-Hell contract after photographs of him engaging in a sex act with a dog became public.

Witnesses insisted the sex was consensual.

Ausfailure’s Soft Spot For Crime Denied

Intelligent people watching as Ausfailure parades it’s world famous criminals all over the TV as rugby league stars can be excused for wondering if they are watching a street gang celebrate it’s crimes.

When the NR-Hell awarded Andrew Johns the title of World’s Greatest Player some wondered if they wanted other players to assimilate Johns deeds which included boasting about using banned drugs and avoiding detection for a decide.

When former handy player, now Brisbane Assistance Coach Alfie Lager go so drunk following a record loss to the New Zealand Warriors that he stripped to his underwear and then drove home drunk and remained on as Asst. Coach many wondered if the NR-Hell was trying to encourage Ausfailure’s other losers to get pissed and drive their car home and risk killing innocent people in the process.

Rugby League Bad Boy and serial drink driver Todd Carney was recently welcomed back into the playing ranks after his 3rd DUI seeming to confirm that drinking and driving is the preferred method of transportation for rugby league criminals in Ausfailure.

One only has to mention the name Greg Inglis to imagine scenes of a 130Kg monster bashing the living sh!t out of his 60Kg piece of fluff after Inglis pleaded guilty to assault last year ending a shameful period of denial during which he represented his club, his state (Queensland of course) and his country, Ausfailure.

One wonders if the reason that no sheila complained about getting gang raped by an Aussie rugby league club this summer was because it didn’t happen or not. One thing is for sure, women who do complain about gang rape after gang rape are immediately portrayed as sluts gagging for it  and it often comes down the the word of one single woman and the large pack of gentlemen soaking in each others bodily fluids who enjoy having sex together as if it was a normal part of everyday life in the former penile colony.

For all we know, it could be.

So what are the police doing?

Well, if the WA pigs are anything to go by they’re far too busy covering up their own criminal behavior to tackle the nasty types we see in green and yellow jumpers.

Police corruption is so widespread in Ausfailure that they even have their own watchdog to check on which cops are bad and which are worse called The Corruption and Crime Commission (CCC) which amongst other duties, tries hard to prevent the coppers giving millions of taxpayers money to bad cops.

In NSW  the Police Integrity Commission tries hard to keep the Ocker cops from looking too tardy, but have one heckuva job.

Their recent tactics include gagging the media which was so successful in communist Russia for decades.

But like France’s bold gendarmes the Ocker walloper knows his target and spares no mercy in bringing the full weight of the crooked legal system down on… handicapped people for example.

“We run them in, we run the in, we run them in, we run them in” said a quartet of stupid ocker pigs.

West Australian Equal Opportunity Commissioner Yvonne Henderson has urged swift action in the case of an intellectually disabled man who has been imprisoned for 10 years without conviction.

Good luck with that Yvonne, but my tip is you’d be better off trying to get a guilty man set free than vice versa, this is Ausfailure after all.

Just ask Lindy Chamberlain.

The Criminal Boat People Story They’re Not Telling

Yeah, the Aussies are pretty upset with illegal boatloads of criminals coming to their shores. Some argue that the concern is just a mask for rampant xenophobia and part of the war on Islam that fills the newspapers daily with stories of bigotry and hate.

Aussies the world over are blogging about how criminal elements are flooding the place and setting up links with other illegal groups to further advance the criminal influence they have and reap the rewards of their criminality on the innocent Ocker bystander.

But those blogging and bleating about refugees seem to have missed this story which tells if seriously bent criminals infiltrating New Zealand to spread their criminal influence and increase their criminal wealth.


Because in this case it’s Aussies leaving their dump and immigrating to New Zealand to spread their criminal webs, that’s why.

YOU WOULD think the devil incarnate had arrived in New Zealand astride a Harley-Davidson. “Rebels not welcome here,” screamed the press release, as police vowed to stamp out the gang before it begins “peddling the misery of methamphetamine in our communities”.

Of course, the Rebels say they are not a gang at all, but a “club” dedicated to riding bikes. To dispel that myth, police released figures showing that the 17 patched Rebels members identified in New Zealand have nearly 100 convictions for serious drug and violence offences between them, and cumulatively have served 77 years in prison. A further 14 associates have notched up an impressive 90 years’ jail time between them.

Police last month claimed to have dealt the Rebels a “severe blow” with a series of methamphetamine raids across the North Island, although it remains unclear how many of those arrested were Rebels and what role they played in the drug operations.

The Rebels claim to have set up chapters in Northland, Auckland, Thames, Manawatu and Christchurch. Essentially, some Tribesmen Motorcycle Club members with familial links to the Rebels in Australia have “patched over”.

Now everyone is waiting to see whether the entire Tribesmen gang goes over. Sources say this could lead to a domino effect where clubs affiliated to the Tribesmen, such as the Huhus of Tokoroa and the Greasy Dogs of Tauranga, switch. Other potential affiliates include the Lost Breed of Nelson, the Epitaph Riders of Christchurch, the Outcasts of Hamilton and the Satans Slaves of Wellington. The Nomads of Horowhenua, in disarray since the death of notorious leader Dennis “Mossie” Hines, are also believed to be in talks with the Rebels, even though they are not a motorcycle club.

The Tribesmen are an interesting bunch. One of the first groups to import and manufacture meth, they lost power and respect in the gang scene when they sampled too much of their own product, earning the nickname “Friedsmen”.

A source with contacts in several outlaw motorcycle clubs says the Rebels are trying to unite the “second tier” of homegrown clubs to take on the might of the Hells Angels, which, with its international connections, controls most of the meth trade along with its ally, the Head Hunters.

“The carrot that has been dangled in front of the Tribesmen is the chance to compete with the big boys,” the source says. “They want a bigger piece of the meth pie and by aligning themselves with a club that can compete financially and muscle-wise with the Hells Angels and Head Hunters, they can start reaping the rewards. It’s a meth war out there; the monetary stakes are incredibly high.”

The Rebels will employ a “Genghis Khan approach… come with us or we’ll squash you,” the source says.

“The Rebels, if they pull this off, have basically pulled off a bloodless coup that establishes them as the new big boys on the block. It’s a turf war – stay tuned to see if the Bandidos [a US motorcycle club with branches in Australia] try their hand here. They won’t want to be seen to be losing ground to the Rebels – wherever their mortal enemy goes, they will follow.”

It’s the international connections that police fear most.

“Absolutely, that’s a real concern to us,” says Detective Superintendent Brett Kane from the Organised and Financial Crime Agency. “It seems to be a strategic move on the part of the Rebels to have some international expansion, which New Zealand is part of.

“If you develop that type of criminal network throughout the world, that creates real concern for us and that’s why we intend to disrupt their establishment here.”

In Australia, the Rebels are involved in meth, cocaine and cannabis distribution and have been involved in intimidation, extortion, inter-gang violence and murder, Kane says.

He says police, along with their colleagues in Australia, have been monitoring movements across the Tasman of Rebels members. At this stage, the gang’s presence here seems to be on a relatively small scale, at the level of blood ties. But that could change if all Tribesmen patch over.

“We’re watching to see whether it is by gang chapters or individual choice. It’s a moving feast really. We’re monitoring the situation very closely – there are a number of potential options that could play out here.”

ARTHUR VENO doesn’t buy it. The professor of psychology at Australia’s Victoria University has studied outlaw motorcycle gangs across the ditch and says that while the Rebels are the biggest club numbers-wise, it’s simply not a big player on the Australian crime scene, much less the world one.

“The `big four’, as the FBI calls them, are the Hells Angels, Bandidos, Pagans and Outlaws. The Rebels aren’t even near that league. They do have a few links but, my God, for an international club, they’re hardly a major threat. We had the Outlaws move here, which in terms of pure crime, are one of the top international clubs. If you hear those or the Bandidos are coming, that’s a different kettle of fish.”

Veno says the Rebels are the most “de-centralised” of Australia’s motorcycle clubs. “Each little chapter is its own fiefdom that sets up the rules for that chapter. You have a strong percentage of clubs who are old time riding clubs that aren’t into crime particularly, and then you have clubs that function like a pyramid scheme for drugs.”

He says while the police disclosure that the New Zealand-based Rebels have long criminal histories is “bad news”, and the price of meth may come down as a result of its move into the drug scene, he is suspicious of police efforts to paint the Rebels as a major criminal network and threat to this country.

“The cops have a vested interest in it, particularly if there is a law and order campaign going on, if there’s a push for greater police numbers or there’s a reason to establish moral panic. The bikies serve a purpose to them. Their own bureaucratic empire is what it’s about. I’d like to know what’s going on in the background… what is it that the police want the public’s attention diverted from and why.”

Veno says governments need to tackle the demand problem if they are serious about cracking down on drugs, as targeting suppliers has been shown over and over not to work.

“No legislation works. Keep the Rebels out of New Zealand? Nothing works, it spreads. There are clubs that don’t go by the name but who are actually Hells Angels in Singapore for Christ’s sake, where even carrying a gun is a death penalty. In our western democracies they have tried literally everything to subdue gangs – nothing works is what you keep coming up with.”

Veno says there is a long history of links between outlaw motorcycle clubs in New Zealand and Australia. New Zealand’s Highway 61s, for example, has members in Australia and Maori Hells Angel Derek Wainohu is president of the club’s Sydney chapter.

Several Kiwis have also risen to heights in the Rebels, including Richard “Rebel Rick” Roberts, who was farewelled with a haka after he was shot dead outside a suburban home in Canberra in 2009.

Police have, from time to time, prevented members from crossing the Tasman, Veno says. “I can give you a long list of Hells Angels who are in the same boat.”

SO FAR, many Tribesmen are resisting the move to join the Rebels. “It’s not a patching over as such,” says Peter Hunt, 47, leader of the Tribesmen in the southern Bay of Plenty. “It’s just some of our whanau, our cousins, have patched over. It’s just that some of them felt obliged to go, with family over there in Australia in the Rebels. We’re not too worried, us as the Tribesmen down here in Murupara and the Bay, we’re not too fussed; none of us are patching over.”

Hunt, currently on bail after a major stoush with the Mongrel Mob in Murupara last year, says his chapter is yet to decide how to deal with the Rebels. Will they welcome them?

“That’s still to be decided. It all depends how they treat us, or how they treat the people of Aotearoa, ‘cos we’re tangata whenua, eh. I think the only thing we have in common with those fullas over there is our rebellious thing against the system, other than riding Harley-Davidsons.”

Rebels members have already been banned from Ngawha prison in Northland for trying to recruit new members, and Hunt says jails are an ideal recruiting ground.

“The police have to watch out how they deal with it. There’s a lot of disgruntled people in there [prison] with a chip on their shoulder; anything to get back at the public or the world. That will be their opportunity.”

So what would be in it for a Tribesmen member to patch over?

“Well, he’s giving up a lot, and it doesn’t come cheap.

“There’s a couple of ways of getting out and that’s gracefully with our full blessing or dishonourably. For us, it’s a religious thing. We didn’t join the Tribesmen just so we can go and join anybody else.

“Bros have died wearing this patch; we can’t give up because of the whakawhanaungatanga, or family, behind it.”

What would it take for Hunt to patch over?

“Shit, I’ve got to be in another life before I’d patch over,” he says.

“No way. It’s too late for me, I’ve already pledged myself to this patch.”


Police have confirmed that one of the key figures in the establishment of the Rebels Motorcycle Club in New Zealand is a 188cm-tall, 115kg behemoth by the name of Jay Hepi, until recently the Tribesmen MC’s northern executive.

The 40-year-old from Whangarei Heads is a keen kickboxer who goes by the nickname “Hardman” and has links to the Elite Thai Kickboxing (ETK) gym in Auckland. He has also promoted fights in Whangarei and coached rugby league.

This being 2011, how do we know that Hepi has handed in his Tribesmen patch and joined the Rebels?

Facebook, of course. Hepi has listed “Rebels Motorcycle Club” under “activities and interests” on his profile page. He may not have intended the hyperlink that takes you from there to a Wikipedia listing detailing some of the Rebels’ criminal history: a raid in 2000 where drugs, guns and even a crocodile were seized; the arrest of two Rebels associates for the murder of a Bandidos rival in Victoria; the murder in 2009 of a Rebels member in New South Wales.

When the Sunday Star-Times made contact with Hepi via Facebook, he initially seemed keen to talk, to get the club’s side of the story across. He offered to set up an interview with a former Tribesmen member who had been in Australia for 15 years and become “Melbourne state president”, and arrived in New Zealand the week before last.

But then came the message: “Sorry but just spoke with bro, no media unless sanctioned by the big boss. Regardless.”

The “big boss” is Alex Vella, 57, one of the Rebels’ founding members from the late 1960s who makes all public statements on behalf of the 2000 members Australia-wide, and, according to sources, would have sanctioned the setting up of New Zealand chapters.

Vella is business-savvy, and in 2008 won a court case against the ANZ Bank. He sued it for $2.7 million after his former business partner re-mortgaged three properties, including the Rebels’ club house, for $2.4 million by falsifying Vella’s signature.

Report reveals deep racial divides in Oz


CANBERRA – A decade-long study has uncovered a disturbing level of ill-will towards Muslims, Jews and Asians across Australia.

The study, which identifies ethnic and racial tensions by state, suburb and rural areas, was released as divisions continued to emerge over anti-Muslim feeling within the federal Coalition.

It also follows appeals by Immigration Minister Chris Bowen for tolerance against a background of rising fear of homegrown Islamic terrorism, and continued criticism of Australia’s asylum seeker policies by human rights groups.

The study by the University of Western Sydney (UWS), involving other universities, sought the views of 12,500 people on cultural and ethnic groups, marriage between different races and religions, and their experiences of racism.

The study said Australians were largely tolerant people. But it found that while most Australians were secure and comfortable in a multicultural country, they also believed that racism was a problem, with more than 40 per cent holding a narrow view of who belonged in the country.

One in 10 said they were prejudiced against other cultures.

“They believe that some races are naturally inferior or superior, and they believe in the need to keep groups separated,” the study found. “These separatists and supremacists are a destructive minority.”

Feelings were strongest against Muslims, with 48.6 per cent of respondents admitting anti-Islamic feelings. Almost 28 per cent harboured anti-Aboriginal views, and about 24 per cent were anti-Semitic and anti-Asian.

Anti-Muslim feelings were deepest in New South Wales, where more than half of the respondents expressed views against Islamic migrants, rising to as high as 60 per cent in western suburbs.

But in even the most tolerant areas of Tasmania and the Australian Capital Territory, anti-Muslim feelings were held by 41 per cent.

Earlier research by the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission also found widespread anti-Muslim sentiment, with many Muslims experiencing racism, abuse or violence.

More than 70 per cent in the commission’s study said they had been targeted because of their religion.

In the new UWS study, about 87 per cent of respondents agreed a society made up of different cultures was a good thing, and 78 per cent felt secure. But more than 40 per cent believed Australia was weakened by people of different ethnic origins sticking to their old ways.

In Canberra, splits in the Opposition continue to publicly widen over Muslims and asylum seekers.

They first appeared when immigration spokesman Scott Morrison attacked federal funding of the funerals of victims of last year’s asylum-seeker shipwreck at Christmas Island.

Morrison was forced to apologise for the timing – but not the substance – of his remarks after shadow treasurer Joe Hockey attacked him in public.

Morrison was later reported to have urged the shadow cabinet to use widespread concern about Muslims to bolster Coalition popularity, followed by further derogatory remarks by Opposition leader Tony Abbott’s parliamentary secretary, Senator Cory Bernardi.

Abbott has since reaffirmed the Coalition’s support for multiculturalism.

But yesterday, in an article written for the Sydney Morning Herald, shadow attorney-general George Brandis compared anti-Muslim views with attacks on Italian children during his schooldays in the 1960s.