Aussies Provide Vital Evolution Link

Chimpanzees' behaviour compares favourably with Australian bosses, according to research.

Chimpanzees' behaviour compares favourably with Australian bosses, according to research.

The verdict is in, evolution is a fact and it has taken Ausfailure to show the world the proof.

While it’s charming to think that arse scratching finger sniffing apes are not our relatives a recent study of the primitive culture of Ausfailure has proven that taking the kids to the zoo to watch the chimps flick snot at each other isn’t that much different from a day in the average Ausfailure office.

The results come as no surprise to anthropologists who have long argued that Ausfailure should be excused for a part of it’s cultural bestiality due to their place in the evolutionary chain.

“Shag, why do you think they called the Queensland Rugby League team Banana Benders?” said noted expert on pretty much everything Oswald P Wrong.

“For fuggs sake, they named the original capital Darwin as well. What more do you need to know” said Wrong.

Creationists are uncomfortable discussing the issue.

“I accept that when you study Aussies, it’s easy to conclude we are descended from apes, in fact, it’s fuggen impossible to come to any other fuggen confuggenclusion” said a pope who asked not to be named.

Ausfailure primate minister Julia Gillard refused to be drawn on the topic saying she was far too busy watching the male Aussies in the room play with their stiffys.


Why your boss is a middle class show-off

Your boss might not urinate in his large corner office, but a new report claims the evolutionary signs of managers marking out their territory are everywhere.

Researchers have laid bare the behaviour of Australian bosses, revealing how everything from the pink shirt under their power suit to the size of their leather-backed chair and their choice of jargon-heavy management speak mimic the strutting and chest puffing seen among our animal ancestors.

They say bosses don’t spend as much time reading or working at their computer alone as employees think they do, and instead pass the vast majority of the day in meetings where they stamp their authority with the biggest chair, a louder voice and frequent interruptions to conversation.

“A favourable comparison can be made with the similar role of the alpha male in capuchin monkeys, chimpanzees and Japanese macaques,” states the report by the University of NSW.

The research is based on hundreds of interviews with managers and employees in hospitals but lead researcher Professor Jeffrey Braithwaite, from the Institute of Health Innovation, said the findings are true for all industries from advertising to construction.

He says it shows the prehistoric behaviours, such as male domination, protecting what is perceived as their “turf” and ostracising those who do not agree with the group, is more commonplace in everyday work situations than many want to accept.

“What we found was universal animalistic displays of power, masculinity, sexuality and authority that seem to be hard-wired in,” Prof Braithwaite said.

“This tribal culture is similar to what we would have seen in hunter gather bands on the savannah in southern Africa.”

The report, published in the Journal of Health Organisation, gives an anthropological breakdown of boss behaviours, explaining their preference for “firm handshakes, dense jargon and frequent use of acronyms”.

Depending on their rank, they get later-model vehicles, nicer mobile phones and “expensive-looking office furniture” so their privileged, dominant position is on full display for employees.

They dress in the ubiquitous “power uniform”, preferring grey or navy suits, either plain or subtly striped, and cream shirts, or a brighter pink or blue alternative for the younger, more adventurous boss.

The piece de resistance was the tie which Prof Braithwaite describes as the male human’s equivalent to a peacock’s plumage.

“The splash of colour at the breast to signal importance, status and `I’m on the move’,” he said.

“There’s also sexual undertones here, as there always are in the workplace. It’s covert of course. You might not see people copulating on desks, but sexuality is everywhere in the workplace, and no less with the boss.”

The research focuses on male healthcare managers, with the dynamic likely very different among female bosses, researchers said.

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