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By Bluey Crackersport, on June 6th, 2010  Francesca Schiavone Francesca Schiavone became the first Italian woman to win a grand slam in the open era when she beat 7th seed favorite Sam Stosur from Ausfailure in straight sets today. The pint sized Italian knocked over the higher ranked player in much the same fashion as the Poms knocked off Ausfailure in the cricket just a few short days ago – effortlessly.
Schiavone, beat Stosur 6-4, 7-6 (7-2) to become the first woman seeded outside the top 10 to win the Coupe Suzanne Lenglen since 1933. And she was pleased to share the moment with the 26-year-old pre-match favourite, who herself was trying to break the 37-year drought since an Ausfailurian, Margaret Court, had won this title.
“You are a great, great person,” the winner said to the blushing, tearful loser, whose family had arrived from Ausfailure only this morning to watch the Aussie lass choke big time.
The Italian celebrations began the moment Stosur shanked the last shot of the tie-break to bring the match to a conclusion after 98 minutes.
The Queenslander was off her game in the first set, as Schiavone made it plain she was going to attack the net, rather than take refuge near the relative safety of the baseline.
She must have reckoned the title was always hers to lose. It was and she did.
The loss caps an appalling week for Ausfailure which lost not only the cricket to the Poms but also has to suffer the indignity of losing the rugby league world cup to arch rivals and idols New Zealand, a small sparsely populated group of islands somewhere in the Pacific.
In other news Sir Les Paterson, Cultural Commissioner at Large for Ausfailure, is taking the producers of Sex And The City 2 to task over the tasteless ridiculing of the Ausfailure Rugby Union Team in the hit movie. The movie is set in a hotel where the rugby world cup is being played and as the SATC girls are lounging by the pool the Ocker lads turn up for a swim in their little budgie smuggler panties. However rampant slut Samantha fails to have the hunks from down under do anything for her down under raising a laugh from theater goers highlighting just how unappealing the world views Aussie sports blokes these days and how much the world is at ease laughing at the former sports super power.
Paterson insists that the scene is demeaning to Ausfailure, which has lost the rugby world cup twice.
In further news former Ausfailure based rugby league sensation Sonny Bill Williams has sighed a lucrative contract with the New Zealand Rugby Football Union in order to play in the world cup. Williams left Ausfailure after a salary dispute with his Aussie rugby league club.
New Zealand is the home of Bluey Crackersport, who coincidentally traveled to Italy last year and blessed the country whilst visiting the Vatican.
By Bluey Crackersport, on June 5th, 2010  Ausfailure While the world watches, piddling itself as the joint that used to brag about itself as the Sporting Capital of the World crashes and burns on the international stage a little girl from Ausfailure waits. Samantha Stosur today has the forlorn hopes of the entire embattled nation of Ausfailure on her shoulders as she squares off against pint sized Italian Francesca Schiavone.
Ausfailure has suffered ingloriously in the past few weeks as their once proud sporfts trophies were rapidly stripped and shipped back to countries more entitled to call themselves champions.
Perhaps the most painful was when Ausfailure lost the rugby league world championship to their arch rivals and heroes the Kiwis from New Zealand, a small sparsely populated group of islands somewhere in the Pacific.
That began a house of cards like collapse that this week saw lowly ranked England walk away with an easy victory over losers Ausfailure in yet another world cricket title.
Tennis might not be much of a team sport, except in the doubles, which Ausfailure also lost, but Aussie’s are almost to frightened to turn on their 3D TV sets today in case the news tells them that it’s just another sport that they are crap at.
While Stosur, an immigrant from Serbia and currently renting a small falt in Adelaide in order to qualify as an Aussie, might not be up there with rising tennis star Laura Robson who recently labeled her tennis playing rivals as a bunch of sluts, but nevertheless Ausfailure is desperate not to lose everything in sight again and again and again.
“F*** that for a f**ken joke, the f**ken lineman’s f**ken Oh f**ken kay with f**ken it so f**ken what the f**k is your f**ken problem you f**ken f**kheaded f**ken f**kwad? F**k me f**ken f**ked” said Johnthon Thurston via an audio hookup during a recent football match. The comments were later OKayed by the NR-Hell.
Golfing legend Greg Norman has also sent the lass his best wishes.
“I hope that she doesn’t choke and prove to be a big time loser like me” said Norman.
The Ausfailure womens cricket team wished her well saying that winning was great, but the group sex afterwards did tend to make one’s twat a bit sore
Stosur also received some encouragement today from Ausfailure’s 2009 Women’s Rugby Union Player of the Year and banned lesbian predator Tricia Brown who encouraged the tennis star to eat the opposition as as easily as the Sheilaroos rugby team beat the South African girls last year.
“Licking the Bok was the best felling in the world” said Brown.
Aussie men are desperate for a win so are likely to fall about the place in fits of hysteria should the Aussie lass not lose.
By Bluey Crackersport, on June 4th, 2010  While Aussie joker sports are losing at an alarming rate Ausfailure’s
sheilas are doing very well without any help from the dickless joker
brigade.
The Mens rugby team might be on a 7 or is it 8 match losing streak to
the underperforming and over coached all black male models but the
Sheilaroos are proving to be all conquering.
However some conquests are not meeting with everyones approval.as
Tricia Brown found recently.
http://wwos.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=1063844
Brown recently was banned for luring 17 year old girls into fanny
licking sessions.
While Brown is banned from coaching she will be allowed to attend the
world cup and hopefully show her team mates how to lick the opposition.
By Bluey Crackersport, on June 3rd, 2010  Tennis Sluts Run Riot Rising tennis star Laura Robson has hopes of one day winning the Sheilas Final at Wimbleton.
However she won’t be getting any accolades from her tennis pals should she manage to achieve her dream.
Robson has launched a remarkable attack on her rivals, saying some of the world’s female players are ”sluts”. Ausfailure-born Robson, who won the junior girls’ Wimbledon title in 2008, told Vogue magazine
”some of the tennis girls, they’re sluts”. She added: ”They go with
every guy and make such a bad name for themselves, and you don’t want to be known for stuff like that. You want to be more discreet.”
Ausfailure is world famous for stories coming to light almost daily of public sex romps with sheilas said to be gagging for group sex with
multiple partners.
Ausfailure cricket star Michael Clarke recently made international
headlines when he pulled out of a cricket tour in order to dump fiance
Lara Bingle after nude pictures of her taken by another bloke were
made public.
Female tennis stars are said to be unimpressed with the Aussie’s catty
comments.
“I don’t really know what a slut is, but I guess if I wanted to, I’d
ask an Aussie” said Louise Notaplaceforsex.
“From what I read in the papers, Ausfailure has about 12.5 million of
them running around the joint with their knickers in their handbags”
she said.
By Bluey Crackersport, on June 2nd, 2010  Tourism Ausfailure is defending itself for using the Mickey Mouse Club theme to promote Ausfailure.
Source : www.brisbanetimes.com.au
“Our sports teams are mickey mouse so why shouldn’t we embrace that and use the mickey mouse theme song to encourage people to visit this part of the third world?” said Carmin Spendsome
Ausfailure’s sports teams are definately losing like there is no tomorrow but that doesn’t mean copyrights don’t apply.
Queensland Conservatorium of Music popular music program convenor Donna Weston said the chord progression in Tourism Australia’s jingle was about “80 per cent the same” as the Mickey Mouse theme song.
She said chord progression matches were very common between songs, but other similarities meant Tourism Australia could potentially face a legal challenge should Disney wish to pursue it.
“There are thousands of songs written on the same chord progression,” she said.
“What is interesting about this one, is that there are snippets of melody that are similar, and the tempo and rhythm is the same – just enough for you to have that ‘tip of the tongue’ feeling.
“If someone at Disney wanted to be pedantic, they would have a strong case.”
Experts consider that Disney could end up regretting such actions however as it was obvious to even an idiot that most of the Disney characyers were based on Ausfailure’s people.
“Dumbo is the obvious one” said senior lecturer in Cultural Cringing Saint Oswald P Wrong of the University of Fantasyland.
“But Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck and Uncle Scrooge are also quite obviously based on Ocker boofheads” Wrong asserted.
Others argued that ‘Fair Use’ could apply.
“We are a Mickey Mouse country so we should have a Mickey Mouse anthem” said Willy Thumper, a cartoonlike character from Brisbane.
Ausfailure prime minister refused to engage in the debate other than to say he had always had a hard on for Minnie Mouse.
By Bluey Crackersport, on June 2nd, 2010 Ausfailure’s Sockerlose last night surprised no one by giving yet
another unconvincing effort against 36th ranked Denmark.
Ausfailure’s Coach Pim Werekrap blasted the Sockerlose after their
appalling effort against 78th ranked New Zealand last week whilst
being full of praise for the professionalism of New Zealand.
Pre game predictions saw bookies favoring Ausfailure to beat the Danes
at 7/4 but Ausfailure simply were not good enough to live up to these
expectations.
With Ausfailure’s world cup hopes now in tatters Aussies are getting
in behind New Zealand and a recent poll revealed that 85% of Aussies
love New Zealanders more than any other nationality.
The World Cup starts on July 11th and Ausfailure’s remaining sports
fans are totally crapping themselves at the prospect of yet more
international humiliation.
Ausfailure recently lost the rugby league world cup to New Zealand and
have suffered a string of embarrassing cricket losses to England,
including the ashes and the T20 world title.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 31st, 2010  Aussies Love NZ (Official) It’s official. Ausfailure is such a sh!theap that most of the bludgers have a stiffy for New Zealand.
No one would be shocked to read the news online today reporting that out of all the countries in the world Aussies pull themselves over it is the tiny rugby league champions that give Aussies the biggest wad.
New Zealand defeated Ausfailure in the rugby league world title recently causing the Aussie coach to seek out the ref days later whilst still going apesh!t and making a twat of himself.
The coach was bundled out of the job and told to stop being a fuggen whinger.
The recent quick poll quizzed frustrated losers from Ausfailure about which country they envied the most, and no surprises that New Zealand came out on top.
‘I like the idea of sheep shagging” said Ewen Rooter from Pullmapudd in Queensland.
“Rooting something from New Zealand up the date would be a nice change from having their sports teams come here and shove one up ours” he cried.
Prime Minister Kelvin Rudd was not surprised by the results of the poll.
“With our nation turning to sh!t these days I am not surprised that we have a hard on for New Zealand” he said
“Fugg me ragged with the blunt end of a world cup trophy if you can find one, but New Zealand is just fuggen brilliant, compared to our dump” he concluded.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 30th, 2010 Find us on Facebook
 AUSfAILURE Bloody good a yas ta drop in and provide a bit a support for the poor buggers doing it tough in Ausfailure’s sports teams.
Rugby, cricket, football or rugby league the poor old Aussie bludgers can’t seem ta make any impression on the scoreboard.
www.ausfailure.com has tracked the demise of the former penile colony as it slides down the sh1theap and even we are shocked at just how sh!thouse the poor little bleeders are at, well, everything.
Our goal is to provide moral support for the inhabitants of Loser Central and we want to them to know that we are here, watching their every stumble and fall, and we will not abandon our task.
We aim to have 5 billion members of the Ausfailure Facebook Group so please make sure to invite all your friends to join.
If you are an Aussie we appreciate that you may not have many friends so feel free to create some new profiles and pretend đ
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 28th, 2010  Ausfailure’s troubled socker losers suffered the indignity of having their imported coach tell them he was ashamed of their p!sspoor effort against 78th ranked soccer dreamers New Zealand after the abysmal display the green and yellow boofheads tried to pass off as entertainment on Monday night. Sockerlose Coach Pim Verbeek from Holland strongly criticised Tim Cahill and Vince Grella for a lack of professionalism after both players were guilty of reckless tackles in the embarrassing match with New Zealand at the Melbourne Cricket Ground.
Verbeek added: “I think in the World Cup that would have been two red cards. I cannot accept this [type of tackle] of course and the players know you should not play the game like this because you cannot afford to go into whatever game and make tackles like that.”
Verbeek substituted both players at half-time but said he thought about taking them off straight away as he feared the visitors would seek retribution on two players he cannot afford to lose to injury so close to the World Cup.
“If I was on the field with the other side I would have been angry so you could expect them to cop something back and that is what they deserved,” he said. “But you can only give compliments to the New Zealand players and the way they behaved themselves. They were professional, my players were not.”
The challenges added to a disappointing night for Ausfailure, it was an unconvincing performance.
Observers were shocked by Verbeek’s comments as they indicated he was out of touch with the culture of Ausfailure and the craparse way the nation performed in the sports arena.
“Looking really bad and unprofessional is pretty good for Ausfailure these days” said Lance Myfacialboils, a lecturer in male grooming from Bummee NSW.
Despite making it obvious that this year’s effort would be a complete and utter embarrassment the Sockerlose have decided to press on to the World Cup in South Africa and show the world just how crap Ausfailure has become at things they used to be quite good at, such as getting away with unprofessionalism in spot.
“We are looking forward to losing this world cup even quicker than we lost all the others” said Wes Theygone, a former fly fishing world champion from Rootmore Creek WA.
Ausfailure recently lost the rugby league world cup to New Zealand and the T20 World Cricket Title to England, a small island north of Brisbane.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 27th, 2010  Fears schools may cheat to improve test performance The president of the NSW Secondary Principals Council, Jim McAlpine, said Ausfailure was in danger of becoming a ”nation of cheats” unless the national literacy and numeracy tests were monitored by external supervisors.
Mr McAlpine said the federal government’s reward payments for improved NAPLAN results would tempt schools, which administer the tests, to alter results to improve performance.
”Julia Gillard should pay for external exam supervision in every school to ensure the results are fair and genuine, in the same way we do the HSC. It is ludicrous these tests are done in a classroom with a teacher,” he said. ”There is no way to control the alteration to answers and yet these results are being used to make judgments on school performance.
”We don’t want Ausfailure to become a nation of cheats.”
Observers thought the sentiment was a little behind the times.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 25th, 2010  Ausfailure’s World Cup hopes are in ruins this morning as the reality of it all sinks in – The Sockerlose aren’t much better than New Zealand, a small sparsely populated group of islands in the pacific, current world rugby league champions and ranked 78th in the socker world. In order to get any one to the game the match had to be held in Melbourne as 55,000 sat stunned and watched as the credibility of an alleged top 20 socker team was exposed as plain and simple ocker bullsh!t by a bunch of poofters from New Zealand.
New Zealand scored the first goal and led for most of the match until the Aussies finally managed to equalise late in the second half with a fluke shot.
Ausfailure were panicked by their crap effort and turned to their trademark biff but even that was a failure.
As full time approached the Aussies started to panic, but couldn’t do much about the scoreline of 1 All at 90 minutes as they were just simply useless.
Socker Ausfailure confirmed that they were to hold an emergency meeting today to decide if they should abandon their world cup matches.
“If we can’t knock of the 78th ranked team in the world easily then we are only going to make fools of ourselves against the other 77 teams that stand between us and winning something.” said a source close to a source.
New Zealand enjoyed the match despite the draw at 90 minutes.
“It was only a friendly for fuggs sake” said Evander Refsaregay. “We had a great time at the after match function bumming each other, that’s all this was ever about for us Shag” he concluded.
The World Cup starts in South Africa on June 11 for everyone else, and ended last night for Ausfailure.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 22nd, 2010  As Ausfailure slides down to the bottom of the sh!theap in world sport a lot of people are asking how they got to be top of the heap and are now so sh!thouse. Take this weeks 20/20 cricket humiliation.
It was shocking to see Ausfailure lose to England in the final of the 20/20 World Cup. They were the undefeated side in the event unlike England who lost to the Windians in their league match. The Wankerroos were also the only team throughout the event to fluke large margin victories when it didn’t count, consistently. They downed Sri Lanka by 81 runs in their Super 8 match, knocked out India by 49 runs, defeated Pakistan in their league match by 34 runs, West Indies by 6 wickets and Pakistan in their semi final by 3 wickets. However they failed to match the brilliance of Collingwood the captain, and England the team, who worked twice as hard when it actually counted, in the final.
The 20/20 World Cup remains the one trophy that the Aussies have never been able to say “That’s going straight to the pool room” and going by their trip down the slippery slope over the last decade, it will be a generation or two before they have any hope of changing that sad and tragic fact.
The question has to be asked about how valid any of Ausfailure’s previous wins in cricket were. We know that in rugby league a certain ineligible player wiped a decades worth of hollow victories off the books when he admitted to taking banned drugs during his 10 year career. We also know that the ACB has in the past unsuccessfully tried to cover up the facts about some of Ausfailure’s senior players having bookies cash going their way.
We know that during Ausfailure’s unbelievable run at the top of the tree was during the era where outcomes of matches were fixed by bookies and sports cheats on their payroll.
Ausfailure went through the recent 20/20 World Cup series undefeated and in form, until the final.
Coincidentally arrests are now coming to light about other ICC players involved in betting fixes as police investigate the latest round of corrupt cricket matches.
We’ve had the Storm scandal which has rooted this seasons domestic, inter state and international rugby league fixtures by peppering them with that now almost exclusive Aussie sporting icon, the asterisk, then the snooker world championships with the John Higgins match fixing allegations coming out after the championship was won by Aussie Neil Robertson, and we also learn that Port Adelaide assistant coach Matthew Primus and 5 other AFL officials have been given gambling sanctions after an investigation discovered Primus placing a $20 multi-leg wager with a bet that was traced back to his laptop computer.
Let us all hope and prey to the gods of sport that Ausfailure doesn’t have to go through yet another appalling and disgraceful episode where their honored sons and cricket heroes are shown to be nothing more than cheats and swine like so many Aussies before them.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 20th, 2010 Ausfailure’s alleged  men’s team has sh!t the bed again and lost 2-1 to the Czech Republic in its World Team Cup of tennis tie in Dusseldorf, Germany.
Carsten Ball and Peter Luczak lost their singles rubbers in straight sets, but combined to win the doubles.
Lleyton Hewitt was unable to play because of illness.
Australia next plays Spain, but has little chance of qualifying for the final after losing its opening two ties.
Ausfailure lost the 20/20 World Title earlier this week to England despite being red hot favorites.
Ausfailure also lost the World Rugby League title to New Zealand, a small sparsely populated group of islands in the Pacific.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 20th, 2010 Ausfailure’s long suffering sports fan jokers were today shamed by a bunch of girl’s blouse wearers as their women’s cricket team succeeded to do what none of their men can do – they beat New Zealand at something.
New Zealand is a small sparsely populated group of islands in the Pacific and current rugby league world champions.
Ausfailure is a former world giant of cricket and famous for bowling an underarm ball to a New Zealand team as they were so sh!t scared of losing to the Kiwi minnows.
Ausfailure’s cricket downfall began after their national cricket board was exposed for trying to cover up a scandal when it was discovered senior members of their team were on the payroll of bookies during the infamous match fixing era during which the luckless losers from Ausfailure managed to stun the world by winning a fair bit.
It has never been revealed how many matches were fixed to allow Ausfailure to win but looking at recent results one would have to say it was most of them.
Hollow victories are nothing new to the former penile colony. For example during the 1999 Rugby League World Cup tournament it has since been revealed that Gordon Tallis complained to team officials that certain players were taking drugs which made them ineligible for selection. In true ACB style an informal investigation revealed nothing. A decade later one of those players wrote a book celebrating his drug abuse. He comes from the Newcastle Knights club although he not one of the numerous Knights players currently facing criminal charges from drug dealing.
It has never been explained how the player managed to escape detection, causing concerns of yet more ACB style cover ups.
While it is not known if drug related cover ups are an everyday ockerance in Ausfailure many are awaiting the outcome of an ongoing investigation which saw police recover cellphone footage of a high profile player snorting a white substance up his nose during a criminal investigation into one of the numerous gang rape allegations that have plagued Ausfailure’s sports pages for most of this decade.
While the dickless Aussie sheilas are teaching the blokes how to shove it up the Kiwi chute the dickless Aussie blokes are now taking it up the pooper from the poms. This morning Aussies awoke to the earth shattering news that their once world beating cricket champions rolled over and put butter on the pommie dong as it slid up their collective sphincter as England (not even a real country) reamed them to a 7 wicket rodgering in the mens final.
The Aussie sheilas faced the New Zealand Women’s team but remarkably manged to avoid losing.
The Kiwi lasses were stunned by Ausfailure’s efforts.
“These girls can actually play the game pretty well’ said Kiwi fast bowler Rangi Hangipants.
“They not the sort of chicks who Greg Ingliss or Brett Stewart would want to tangle with, these girls fight back” she continued.
The Mens selecters are rueing not sending the sheila team out in the mens final.
“We still would have lost, but at least they would have put up a challenge” said a source close to a source.
Meanwhile the Aussie girls are out celebrating and the jokers are once more licking their wounds.
Local pubs have been alerted to the news and local men have been warned to be wary of drunken Aussie slappers with blood engorged labia on the rampage looking for men to have group sex with as the Wallaroots celebrate a rare win.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 20th, 2010 Well done to the Ausfailure 20/20 team for handing yet another world title to the opposition. And who prey tell is the latest sports superstar to lower the Aussie trousers?
England. Yes, that’s what I said, England. The country that until this morning had never won a limited overs world title despite 35 years of trying. And then along comes present day Ausfailure. Back to the practice nets eh bro?
While Aussie sports stars can’t win much at least when they get plastered after losing and dance naked on the table, drive whilst over the limit, swap STD’s with each other while gang banging slappers in the dunny, do a few lines for the cameras then go home and glass the missus at least they know that they will still be on the club payroll, and the fans will still hero worship them.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 20th, 2010 SOURCE: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/05/20/2904273.htm
Updated May 20, 2010 06:59:00
Ausfailiure’s alleged men’s team has sh!t the bed again and lost 2-1 to the Czech Republic in its World Team Cup of tennis tie in Dusseldorf, Germany.
Carsten Ball and Peter Luczak lost their singles rubbers in straight sets, but combined to win the doubles.
Lleyton Hewitt was unable to play because of illness.
Australia next plays Spain, but has little chance of qualifying for the final after losing its opening two ties.
Ausfailure lost the 20/20 World Title earlier this week to England despite being red hot favorites.
Ausfailure also lost the World Rugby League title to New Zealand, a small sparsely populated group of islands in the Pacific.
By Bluey Crackersport, on May 14th, 2010 Source http://www.stuff.co.nz/world/australia/3695206/Sydney-man-critically-ill-after-eating-slug
A Sydney man is critically ill after eating a slug as a dare, leading authorities to issue health warnings on devouring raw gastropods.
The man, 21, is in a critical condition in hospital after contracting a rare form of meningitis called Angiostrongylus or rat lung worm after eating the slug.
NSW Health says animals including slugs and snails can carry a range of infections, including bacteria, viruses and parasites that may infect people.
The adult form of the rat lung worm is found only in rodents, which pass the parasite’s larvae in their faeces. Snails and slugs then eat the faeces, becoming infected.
In some instances, the worm can cause fatal swelling of the brain and spinal chord.
But Dr Jeremy McAnulty from NSW Health says such cases are rare and most people do recover.
He said the worm goes away by itself because the body’s immune system eventually gets rid of it.
Dr McAnulty said people should not eat raw slugs or snails and should ensure they wash their hands after touching them.
“It is also important to thoroughly wash and cook any produce that could be contaminated by animals,” he said.
The worm was found mainly in Asia and the Pacific Islands.
It was rare for people to contract rat lung worm disease in Australia, but it occurred occasionally from eating an uncooked slug or snail, Dr McAnulty said.
“In the past, this sometimes has happened after a person has been dared to eat a slug or snail.”
Infected people may have no symptoms or only mild short-lived symptoms, he said.
Sometimes the infection causes meningitis, with symptoms such as headaches, stiff neck, tingling or pain in the skin, fever, nausea, and vomiting, Dr McAnulty said.
“Even if infected, most people recover fully without treatment,” he said.
“However, it can sometimes cause severe meningitis.
“Because humans are not the natural host of the parasite, the parasite eventually dies without treatment.”
Rat lung worm infection cannot be passed on to other people.
By Bluey Crackersport, on April 23rd, 2010  Shit Storm - Click for Full Story Ausfailure’s long suffering sport’s fans woke up today finding that yet another of their illustrious sporting icons are in fact like the rest of them – cheats.
Melbourne Storm have proved unbeatable over the last 5 years. Winning against Storm has proven harder than proving a rugby league team gang raped you.
Now Storm’s winning secret has been discovered. They cheated. They kept two sets of books and cheated the salary cap by over $1.7 million dollars in order to win.
Just how they kept this from the game’s administration is unknown but the cheating was only discovered after a former staffer blew the whistle, indicating that this would have gone on unchecked for decades.
Of course it also reminds other Aussie clubs to look after it’s current employees to keep secret they way they cheat as well.
Storm have had their hollow victories wiped and will earn no points this year as they continue to field a team well over the cap and deny other teams an even chance of competing.
While some will say this is unfair you have to realise this is Ausfailure we are talking about and fairness is not part f the vocabulary. Only winning counts, despite how you acheive it.
Until you are caught out of course.
By Bluey Crackersport, on April 13th, 2010  Ausfailure’s apple growers were today shocked to find that their 90 year battle to prevent decent apples from New Zealand being sold to the long suffering apple eaters of Ausfailure is about to be knocked over like a row of sh!t cans after the World Trade Organisation ruled the ban was an unacceptable trade barrier.
Aussies using unacceptable methods to give their second rate sports teams a much needed leg up are an everyday ockerance as the world well knows and it’s no surprise to find that Aussies use the same methods to prevent their citzens from eating great apples.
NZ apples were first banned from Australia after fireblight was found in Northland, in 1919, probably after infected nursery stock was imported from California.
There have been a series of failed talks over the issue, which led to the Kiwis taking a complaint to the World Trade Organisation in 2007, on the basis that constraints proposed by their Trans-Tasman neighbours were an unacceptable trade barrier.
Lifting the ban will see Aussies finally being able to buy the best apples in the world instead of the rubbish their government forces them to eat now.
Apple lovers from Ausfailure were ecstatic on hearing the news.
“If you thought the New Zealand rugby league team were deserving world champions wait until you try these apples” said a fan from Bummee New South Wales.
Aussie apple growers were stunned by the ruling but it is unlikely they can do much about it other than whinge and bleat and cry and moan.
“Fair trade should include protection from superior apples from New Zealand so that the Aussie public are forced to stomach the crap we grow” said one Aussie apple farmer.
“New Zealand apples are so much better than ours so if they go on sale here we might have to lift our game and that could require us having to think hard and do a bit of work” he sobbed.
“We simply can’t compete with New Zealand on a level playing field so it’s bloody crook that the World Trade Organisation hasn’t accepted this and given us the protection we need to keep selling junk apples to Aussies” he bawled.
“Hopefully Aussies will boycott the Kiwi apples and keep buying our inferior ones. We just have to hope and prey that all Aussies are as dumb as me” he boasted.
The ruling is expected to be challenged by Ausfailure’s apple growers with many demanding core samples.
By Bluey Crackersport, on March 5th, 2010 As Ausfailure’s cricket team and fans reel and mourn it’s now legendary ability to bowl underarm to secure victories against real sports teams at least they are not laying down and doing bugger all about it like the rest of their lazy fellow country losers.
When the Green and Yellow losers from Down Underarm faced their second straight defeat to the New Zealand Slack Caps recently the humiliation was just too much for one of Aussies losers to stand.
So he went and head butted his opponant.
“If we can’t win the game, at least we can win the punch up” said a drunk Aussie fan before chundering.
Firebrand fast bowler Mitchell Johnson was so fed up at Napier where New Zealand stunned the Aussies with a last over victory that was marred by Johnson’s extraordinary confrontation with Kiwi hero Scott Stris who had the temerity to hit Johnson for consecutive boundaries. After the second one, he and Johnson came together mid-pitch, and bowler headbutted batsman.
Johnson was rushed past a media throng at Auckland airport and refused to comment despite his mouthy – and physical – dispay at McLean Park the night before.
But Aussie veteran Michael Hussey was happy to defend the speedster who blotted his night with a headbutt on Styris.
“It’s always happened throughout the history of the game and I’m sure it won’t be the last time that it happens.
Ausfailure’s Twice Ashes Losing captain Ricky Ponting said New Zealand deserved credit for their discipline with the ball and desperation in the field in Napier but he is demanding his players pull their socks up before tomorrow’s second match of the Chappell-Hadlee Trophy in Auckland.
Aussie fans are expected to wear ‘Bring Back The Biff’ Tee Shirts made famous by former TV and group sex star Reg Reason.
It’s been a bad run for the Aussie Cricketers since it was revealed that the ACB unsuccessfully tried to cover up leading players involvement in match fixing and Shane Warne’s mum got blamed for his positive drug test. It never really got better with player scandals only being replaced in the newspapers by stories about how good the Aussie Cricket team has got at losing.
“The fact that they can be beaten twice in succession by a team as bad as the Slack Caps just underlines how utterly crap Aussie sport is these days” said leading Oswald P Wrong who has documented Ausfailure’s failures for over 20 years.
“It’s no surprise to me that the frustration these Aussie prongs are dealing with has resulted in them losing the plot and becoming violent” he confirmed.
“It’s the typical behavior of less intelligent people” Wrong concluded.
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