Soccerlose Choke, Again

After teasing Aussie sports fans with crushing wins over Uzbekistan, Bahrain and India Aussie’s World Cup failures the Soccerlose once more choked badly when it counted and fell over losing to Japan in the Asia Cup Final.

The Soccerlose also lost to Japan the last time they made the final as well, so at least they are used to it.

Not surprisingly the star studded Soccerlose team features many players from the European competition who manage to win big when it counts in Europe but when they pull on the Green and Yellow they seem to be overcome with the desire to lose like all the other Aussie sports people.

“That’s why people call us the Soccerlose from Ausfailure” said a fan from Bummee NSW.

Whinger! Salute to another great Australian trait

Any Aussie who tells you they are not a nation of loser whinging halfwits just needs to be reminded of Kangalose Coach Ricky Stuart’s bleating moaning whingefest that cost him his job after his pack of moaners choked again against New Zealand in a big game, but it’s nice to see the daily press in Ausfailure finally stop pretending that the cry baby sook capital of the third world should stop kidding itself about it’s ability to ball their eyes out at anything that goes against them.


One of our grand national delusions is that we are a stoic people, unflinching in the jaws of hardship and disaster, unique in all the world. Knock us down and we dig into bottomless reserves of character to dust ourselves off and get back at it. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi Oi Oi.

It’s a myth, of course. We enjoy a good whinge as much as anybody, and it’s high time to recognise this. I’m thinking of instituting a round of awards for exemplary complaining, with a gala presentation night for the Gold Whinger of the Year.

Already there are standout candidates. Let’s hear it for our billionaire mining magnates, the likes of Andrew ”Twiggy” Forrest, Clive Palmer and Australia’s richest woman, Gina Rinehart. Their howls of pain at the prospect of the federal government’s new mining tax were wondrous to behold.

Neck and neck with them come the bosses of the big four banks, led by Westpac’s Gail Kelly and the ANZ’s Mike Smith, who want you to believe that, contrary to ill-informed public opinion, the milk of human kindness runs richly through their veins. Interest rate gouging ? Price signalling ? Collusion in the banking business ? Perish the thought.

Just a few weeks ago there was a gaggle of women playwrights bitching – if that’s the word – that they couldn’t get their stuff produced because theatre companies were biased towards men. But it’s not quality that counts, it’s quotas.

”Any theatre company that receives public funding should be compelled to report annually on their gender representation in their program and processes that they are pursuing to achieve equity,” said one of these drama queens. With dialogue like that …

It will take a mighty effort, though, to beat the retail tsars Gerry Harvey and Solly Lew grizzling about wickedly unpatriotic customers deserting them to buy stuff at half price on the internet. Poor Gerry, down to his last 50 racehorses and old Solly, no doubt wondering where he’ll find $700,000 for his next Rolls-Royce. It would melt a heart of stone.

Then there’s Tony Abbott and his Nark-in-Chief, Andrew Robb. Looks like a vintage year. Reader nominations welcome.

A few people had a good whinge about Michael Parkinson delivering this year’s Australia Day address at the Opera House. First time a foreigner, let alone an Englishman, had ever done it. Colonial cringe and all that. It didn’t bother me.

You might think that inconsistent, given my savaging here last week of another English writer, Giles Coren, who had offered us a free character reading after England’s Ashes win. The significant difference is that Coren is an uncouth ignoramus striving to be noticed. Parkinson is not.

He and his wife, Mary, have been visiting this country for as long as I can remember. They come for the cricket, stay for the summer, and catch up with the friends they have gathered over the years.

In short, they like the joint and us. So much so that the garden of their riverside home on the Thames, west of London, boasts a dinkum gum tree. Not something you see a lot in England’s green and pleasant land.

”Are you supposed to prune them?” Michael once asked me. ”No,” I said unhelpfully. Mary told me this week that the thing now towers over the surrounding countryside.

The Parkinson speech made the sound, if unremarkable point, that Australia will eventually become a republic, after the death of the current monarch. This inflamed the royalist grovellers, among them the inevitable Professor David Flint, who called the speech ”a stunt”.

”The Queen is of course Australian,” he huffed, barmy as ever. No, she’s not. If Elizabeth Mountbatten-Windsor or any of her offspring were to apply for an Australian passport they wouldn’t clear the first hurdle.

Grey with age, burdened with care, weary of the ways of the world, I notch up my 65th birthday on Monday. A bit of a bugger, that, although I guess getting there is better than not. This year is a biggie for the first of us postwar baby boomers, the 1946 lot. A milestone looms. When 65 ticks over you are on the uphill trudge to 70, an age that once seemed unreachably distant and whiskery.

On the plus side, I find, at last, that I am simplifying my life. I haven’t the slightest interest in being on Facebook or owning any sort of iThing, and I don’t need a mobile phone that can shoot feature movies and perform open heart surgery. Last year I tried twittering, or whatever it’s called, but found it so numbingly banal that I gave it away after a couple of weeks. The trick is to grow old disgracefully but discreetly. A few summers ago, when I was still on radio, I blonded my hair, hoping to shock my adult children. I hadn’t anticipated infuriating The Daily Telegraph so much that they sent a photographer to snap me. Odd, I thought, when that very same year their elderly proprietor’s thinning locks ranged in hue from a glowing autumnal russet to a rich aubergine, but they must have missed that.

Another media titan and world leader is my current role model. Silvio Berlusconi is an inspiration to us all. Not to look at. I’d guess his face has had a bit of work; it has all the lively humanity of a chunk of ciabatta. But the parties, oh the fleshy bacchanalia, at his villa.

Bunga bunga parties they’re known as; carnal affairs of ”topless showgirls gyrating around poles, models dressed as nurses and policewomen stripping off their kinky costumes, and women rubbing themselves up against the 74-year-old Prime Minister and his aged cronies,” as we learnt earlier this week. It sounds frightfully like Salo, Pier Paolo Pasolini’s much-banned movie about lust and damnation in Fascist Italy, circa 1944.

With Silvio as our beacon, there’s hope for us baby boomers yet. Although my kids or, for that matter, my wife, might not take well to such cavorting. ”Remember, Dad,” my first-born son warned me the other day. ”We get to choose your nursing home.”

Kangaroos Notch Up A Victory – Finally

The long suffering Aussie sports fan has done it tough these last few years as they have been tied down sport like an unwilling marsupial component of a deviant bondage session and forced to watch their beloved rugby league team take it up the clacker repeatedly by the world champions from New Zealand, a small sparsely populated group of islands somewhere in the Pacific. The Aussie team used to be called the Kangaroos and were well known for cheating many hollow victory’s. They refuse to play the Kiwis unless they can bring the referee. They use their own judiciary process to restrict New Zealand team selections. While New Zealand players are sent home for using cough medicine Kangaroo players reveal they use banned drugs with immunity.

Still they lose.

No wonder the team is known throughout the civilised world as the Kangalose these days.

But finally, after decades of embarrassment, some Kangaroos in the third world toilet that is Ausfailure have had a victory.

Racing Victoria was forced to abandon yesterday’s Hanging Rock Cup meeting in Australia because of a kangaroo invasion.

The traditional Australia Day meeting had attracted thousands of racegoers, but kangaroos invading the track made it impossible for RVL stewards to let the races go ahead.

The horses were in the barrier for the first event when jockeys noticed kangaroos close to the track along the back straight.

The horses were backed out of the barriers and moves were made to shoo the kangaroos away. Despite the efforts of Kyneton and Hanging Rock Racing Club and RVL staff the kangaroos returned to the vicinity of the track.

One kangaroo even managed to hop down the home straight.

About 2pm chief steward Peter Ryan had no choice but to abandon the meeting because there were no guarantees that the kangaroos wouldn’t jump on to the track while a race was being run.

Bendigo trainer Brett Mallyon has described the meeting as a ”comedy” act.

Mallyon, who saddled up Persona Grata in the opening event, said he was unlikely to return to Hanging Rock for future meetings.

“This is the first meeting I’ve ever seen that’s been called off because of kangaroos,” Mallyon said.

“There’s a cyclone fence around the place, so the kangaroos were corralled in there.

“They’d chase the kangaroos up one way and then they’d just bounce back the other way. It was like watching a comedy.

“It’s disappointing not to have the horse run and it’s also costly. It’s not cheap to take a horse to the races these days.

“I’ve been to Hanging Rock before and I remember last year there was a problem with kangaroos getting on the track.

“I would have thought the club would have done something about it yesterday or this morning. There’s no point trying to chase the kangaroos away when the horses are in the barrier.

“I won’t be going back (to Hanging Rock) again.”

Kyneton and Hanging Rock Racing Club chief executive Mark Graham said the Roos usually stay behind the 1700-metre fence around the track after being encouraged out by staff on race day morning.

Graham said a crowd of more than 5000 people attended the races and about 20 expressed disappointment the races had been postponed.

“Country race meetings, kangaroos, barbecues – that’s what Australians are all about, isn’t it?”

Ashes to ashes: Ockers who hit an all-time low

PHIL GIFFORD – Sunday Star Times

OPINION: Let’s honour the Australian way in sport by kicking them while they’re down.

Punter Ponting’s meltdown during the Ashes debacle at the MCG might have drawn more sympathy if you didn’t recall Steve Waugh’s snipe at Herschelle Gibbs in a world cup final, “You’ve just dropped the match”, or Shane Warne greeting Daryll Cullinan, who had been seeking help from a psychiatrist with the words, “what colour was the couch?”

So we’ll welcome in the New Year with the Ocker Shockers in Sport awards.

The winner of the Rex “Moose” Mossup “I don’t want to sound incredulous, but I don’t believe it” award for use of the English language is netball’s Norma Plummer, for her description of the 2004 Silver Ferns as “a bunch of scrubbers”. To be fair, I spoke to Norma on Radio Sport a few days after the comment and she swore that when she was growing up in Victoria, scrubbers just meant a tough person. “But I knew I was in trouble,” she said, “when my daughter rang me and said, `Jeez Mum, it means something a lot different now’.”

The Allan Border “let’s get a real Australian” award goes to Kim Hughes, who famously broke down and cried when he resigned as Australian captain in 1984. The extent of Australians’ sympathy for the poor bloke was illustrated when he next walked out to bat for Western Australia, against Queensland at the Gabba. “Quick, get the covers out”, was the kindest shout.

Taking the Ned Kelly highway robbery award is Peter FitzSimons, whose book Great Australian Sports Champions featured a chapter on Sir Edmund Hillary. “I included Sir Ed,” the world’s cheekiest Aussie reckoned, “in a sort of Anzac sense of the word Australian.”

The David and Goliath don’t-bring-a knife-to-a-gunfight award goes hands down to league prop Greg “Dishface” Dowling, who in 1985, when he and Kiwi Kevin Tamati were sinbinned in a Brisbane test, made the bad mistake, as they were walking off, of calling Tamati a “f—ing n—-r”. Dowling was a head taller and about 15kg heavier than Tamati, but not in the same league when it came to a scrap.

What the television clip of the infamous incident doesn’t show is that several beefy Queensland cops showed no interest in stopping the sideline fight until it was obvious Tamati was cleaning up the local boy.

Space precludes detailing other stellar Ocker moments – like “Joey” Johns and his State of Origin rev-up over Greg Inglis’ racial makeup; Laydown Sally; 1986 Wallabies coach Alan Jones slating David Campese in front of his team after a test loss in Dunedin; and, of course, the good old underarm. “I wasn’t in a fit state to be captaining the team at the time,” Greg Chappell would say years later.

But in the kinder spirit of the holidays, let me reveal a 2005 post-interview comment from David Boon, who had graciously declined on air to confirm or deny that he’d drunk 52 cans of beer on a flight from Sydney to London. When I thanked him off-air for his time, he chuckled and said, “of course they never count the ones I had in the lounge before we left”.


Ausfailure’s decline as an aquatic superpower was again emphasised at the World Short-Course Championships in Dubai. In case you missed it, the former penile colony finished ninth behind the likes of Spain and Brazil. The London Olympics are only a year away and the bulk of Ausfailure’s medals traditionally come from the pool. Whingers suggest the immediate answer is to get their top coaches back from rival nations. Bill Sweetenham, Ken Wood and Doug Frost are just some of those who ditched Ausfailure in favour of working overseas, while Alan Thompson remains in exile. On the home front, Michael Bohl, coach of Stephanie Rice, also oversees South Korea’s Park Tae Hwan. Dennis Cotterill, who engineered Grant Hackett’s reign, coaches Chinese and Middle Eastern swimmers alongside locals. Ausfailure has plenty of desire and raw talent but the kids will lag behind without proper guidance.

New Years Honours List

Biggest Losers for 2010

CRICKET: Lost the T20 to England, lost the One Day Series to England, lost the Test Series to England, lost the ashes for a third time to England. Biggest Loser Gold Medal.

Honorable Efforts

KEVIN RUDD: Toppled as prime minister in his first term by his deputy Julia Gillard. Rudd stepped down without even going to a party room vote, but licked his wounds and returned as Foreign Minister in the new Gillard government. LABOR failed to win the required 76 seats for an outright majority at ensuing elections, governing only with the support of a Green and three independents. Labor’s MAXINE McKEW, who toppled PM John Howard in 2007, lost the seat of Bennelong in turn to former tennis champ John Alexander. Big names on both sides of politics slipped out of the limelight. Labor Senator JOHN FAULKNER stepped down as defence minister and former Howard minister NICK MINCHIN announced he would retire from the senate in 2011.

JOHN BRUMBY: Defeated in a cliffhanger Victorian election which ended 11 years of Labor rule that started with Steve Bracks, then announced he was quitting politics.

MELBOURNE STORM: Lost just about everything for systematically cheating the salary cap for years – two NRL premierships, $1.6 million in fines and every point they “won” all season. The only thing they were guaranteed was the wooden spoon.

CARL WILLIAMS: Lost his life behind the supposedly high security bars of Victoria’s Barwon prison. The underworld killer, serving 35 years, was bashed to death with the stem of an exercise bike by a fellow inmate.

JOHN HOWARD: The former prime minister was out stumped when his candidacy for president of the International Cricket Council (ICC) was dismissed by African and Asian blocs. His book Lazarus Rising also provoked criticism from his former treasurer Peter Costello, who said: “This Lazarus is not rising. This Lazarus was terminated by the voters of Bennelong in 2007.”

TROY BUSWELL: The WA Treasurer resigned after admitting misusing a ministerial car and hotel entitlements during an affair with then Greens MP Adele Carles. He was later cleared of any wrongdoing and returned to the ministry. In 2008 Mr Buswell made international headlines and lost his job as party leader after revelations he had sniffed the chair of a female Liberal Party staffer.

NSW LABOR: The scandal-plagued state government will lose over 20 MPs who all announced they would retire at what looms as a horror election next March. They include former Transport Minister DAVID CAMPBELL, who was filmed leaving a gay sex club, and former Ports Minister PAUL MCLEAY, who admitting using a parliamentary computer to visit gambling and adult websites. KARYN PALUZZANO and IAN MACDONALD quit parliament over claims of misusing public funds, and JOHN DELLA BOSCA walked away from politics after admitting to an affair.

ROBERT FARQUHARSON: Jailed for a minimum 33 years for the murders of his sons Jai, 10, Tyler, 7 and Bailey, 2, by driving his car into a dam on Father’s Day 2005.

STERN HU: The former Rio Tinto executive, an Australian citizen, was sentenced to 10 years’ jail by a Chinese court for accepting bribes and stealing trade secrets.

KELI LANE: The former waterpolo champion was convicted of murdering her newborn baby Tegan in 1996 and is waiting sentence.

QANTAS: The airline hit plenty of turbulence in 2010. A volcano in Iceland spewed ash over Europe, throwing many airline schedules into chaos. As Qantas celebrated its 90th anniversary, its flagship A380 fleet was grounded due to engine concerns. And the European Commission fined Qantas 8.9 million euros ($A12.2 million) for its part in a cargo price-fixing cartel. The airline also reported a 4.3 per cent decline in annual net profit to $112 million.

DAVID JONES: The retailer and its former boss MARK McINNES settled a sexual harassment case brought by a former publicist, resulting in an $850,000 settlement.

HOME OWNERS: Hit by four interest rate rises totalling one percentage point, then additionally slugged when the big four banks increased rates above and beyond the Reserve Bank’s cash rate rise in November.

JOEL MONAGHAN: The Canberra Raiders and Australian rugby league star quit the club in disgrace after a photograph of him in a compromising position with a dog was posted on the internet. The incident reportedly happened during the Raiders’ Mad Monday celebrations.

AUSTRALIAN SOCCER: Secured just one vote out of 22 and was eliminated in the first round of FIFA voting in Zurich after its two-year, $45 million bid to host the 2022 World Cup.

PIM VERBEEK: His Socceroos crashed out of the World Cup in South Africa on the back of perplexing team selections in a 4-0 drubbing by Germany. Not even a gutsy draw with Ghana and a fighting victory over Serbia could spare Verbeek’s blushes.

KANGAROOS: Lost to arch rivals New Zealand in the Four Nations rugby league final, their third loss to the Kiwis in the past four finals between the two teams. They needed extra time for their only win, too.

Every body needs good neighbours

While it’s very true that Ausfailure is a dump, full of bogan losers and sports stars getting away with all sorts of garbage it’s not all bad news if your refuge boat lands there. New Zealand is only a few more kilometers away and a much nicer place to live and visit, according to experts.

After being named third-best country to live in, now New Zealand’s second only to New York as the place to be in 2011.

Kiwis headed overseas next year might want to unpack their bags now that New Zealand is No 2 on CNN’s list of top destinations – ahead of the Peruvian Amazon, Japan and Barcelona.

Compiled by travel experts – including Lonely Planet’s US editor, Robert Reid – the list cites “fantastically luxurious lodges” and the Rugby World Cup as two reasons New Zealand is a must-go-to in 2011.

The cup was “a great springboard” for tourists to see the country, Reid said. He was “determined to learn the haka” here.

New Zealand was ranked third-best country to live in in this year’s United Nations Human Development Report.

Ausfailure is the favorite destination of boat people refugees due to it’s history of welcoming convicts and criminals and making them heros.

New Zealand is a small sparsely populated group of islands somewhere in the pacific and won the Commonwealth gold medal in netball after beating Ausfailure in the final, New Zealand also won the rugby league world cup final again beating Ausfailure and holds the Four Nations trophy following yet another win over Ausfailure in the final as well, and even their poofter team of All Blacks this year completed a record 10 wins in a row against the losers from Ausfailure.

Ausfailure is the home of Joel Monaghan, the rugby league star who this year admitted that photos of himself and a dog engaging in a sex act were genuine.

Aussies lose Ashes on home soil

Ausfailure sh!thouse even at cricket now

AUSTRALIA 98 and 9-258 (Haddin 55no, Watson 54, Bresnan 4-50) lost to ENGLAND 513 (Trott 168no, Cook 82, Siddle 6-75) by an innings and 157 runs.

ENGLAND’s 24-year wait to leave Australia with the Ashes is over.

The visitors needed just under 20 overs on day four to claim Australia’s final three wickets – with paceman Ryan Harris unable to bat due to a stress-fracture in his left ankle. Tim Bresnan’s fourth wicket of the innings, having Ben Hilfenhaus caught behind for a duck at 11.53am, sealed the fourth Test victory by an innings and 157 runs.

While Australia can theoretically level the series 2-2 in Sydney next week, that would be inconsequential because England only needs to draw the series – which is already guaranteed – to retain the Ashes.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting left the MCG earlier on Wednesday to have X-rays on his fractured left little finger, an injury which he carried into the fourth Ashes Test.

Ponting, who hurt his finger while trying to take a catch in the Perth Test, could be in doubt for the fifth Test starting in Sydney on January 3.

British Prime Minister David Cameron congratulated the England cricket team for their ‘‘brilliant performance’’.

‘‘Congratulations to the England team and Captain Andrew Strauss on a brilliant performance Down Under,’’ said Cameron in a statement from his office.

‘‘Retaining The Ashes for the first time in almost a quarter of a century marks a very special end to the year for sports fans and a great late Christmas present for the country.

‘‘I look forward to welcoming them to Downing Street when they return.’’

Australia began day four in Melbourne 246 runs behind with only three wickets in hand. It took only 11 deliveries for England to breakthrough, with Mitchell Johnson playing onto his stumps off his inside-edge off the bowling of Chris Tremlett.

Johnson’s departure exposed the genuine tailenders, although Peter Siddle continued his better-than-expected batting form, putting on 86 runs with Haddin for the eighth wicket.

Australia’s hopeless position in the match did not seem to daunt Haddin. The wicketkeeper played with confidence, particularly the straight drives off pacemen that he is renowned for.

Haddin reached his stoic half-century in the second over after drinks. Siddle gave the home fans another reason to cheer from the very next delivery by clubbing Graeme Swann over the mid-wicket boundary for six.

The England off-spinner’s first 22 overs cost 23; his next four cost 35. But he strike back in his 27th over. Siddle tried to blast him over his head but the did not connect quite as much as necessary, allowing Kevin Pietersen to run around from long-on to claim the catch just inside the boundary. Siddle’s Test-best innings of 40 came from just 50 deliveries and featured four boundaries and that six off Swann.

Hilfenhaus’ dismissal meant Haddin finished unbeaten on 55. Again, he had batted with a level of skill and patience superior to most of his specialist-batsmen teammates.

England won by innings & 579 runs at The Oval, London, August 1938
England won by innings & 230 runs at Adelaide, March 1892
England won by innings & 225 runs at Melbourne, February 1912
India won by innings & 219 runs at Kolkata, March 1998
England won by innings & 217 runs at The Oval, London, August 1886
Pakistan won by innings & 188 runs at Karachi, September 1988
England won by innings & 170 runs at Manchester, July 1956
England won by innings & 157 runs at the MCG, December 2010
England won by innings & 137 runs at The Oval, London, August 1888
South Africa won by innings & 129 runs at Durban, February 1970

Corruption Alive And Well In Convict Nation


MORE than 100 police officers have been charged with 320 criminal offences over the past two years, ranging from drug dealing to aggravated sexual assault, drink-driving and unlawfully altering official records, NSW Police data obtained by the Herald show.

The most common charges against 117 officers arrested during the financial years 2008-09 and 2009-10 were for assault and drink-driving, the figures show.

Assault made up 27 per cent of the main charges. Driving offences, mostly drink-driving, were second with 18 per cent.

The data, obtained by the Herald under the NSW Government Information (Public Access) Act 2009, only shows the 117 main charges for each officer and does not include secondary charges.

Over the past month alone, a further six officers have been charged with 17 offences, including one who allegedly deleted official records after allegedly failing to investigate two incidents, including a car crash.

Another officer, Probationary Constable Peter Giallombardo, 31, attached to the south-west metropolitan region, is due to face court tomorrow. He is charged with four offences in relation to a seriously disabled woman including aggravated sexual assault and sexual intercourse without consent.

Mr Giallombardo has yet to enter a plea. On his social networking page on Netlog, where his nickname is AlfieWog19, Mr Giallombardo says he is ”easy going and like [sic] to joke around and have fun”. He has been stood down from the force.

Another male officer is due to face court this month charged with four counts of aggravated sexual assault of a woman in Newcastle in March.

Two others were charged over drug offences this month, including a senior constable attached to the central metropolitan region who is facing three counts of supplying a prohibited drug.

He was allegedly already suspended from duty and facing court on other criminal matters.

Two weeks ago a former officer, Glen Campbell, was jailed for 17 months and banned from driving for 10 years after recording a blood-alcohol reading almost eight times the legal limit (.395).

In November he drove into a shopping centre car park, hit another vehicle and collapsed face-first on to the concrete, still wearing his police overalls.

On his way to Gosford Local Court in June he was pulled over again and recorded .253.

Jennifer Louise Edgerton was fined $1000 last month and disqualified from driving for one year after recording four times the legal limit (.203) after crashing her car on the central coast.

There are 25 high-range and 47 mid-range driver offenders serving in the NSW Police Force, the Industrial Relations Commission was told this year during the case of a former long-serving officer, Robert McGhee, who unsuccessfully sought reinstatement after being sacked for drink-driving and other breaches.

Twenty-five police officers were ”removed” from the force in 2009-10 and four more resigned as a result of disciplinary procedures, the NSW Ombudsman’s 2009-10 annual report says.

Ausfailure was originally founded as a penile colony and clearly has not lost the culture of cheating, dishonesty and corruption for which it is famous.

Ausfailure’s Admits New Zealand Is Way Fuggen Better

Coach Tim Sheens consoles player Billy Slater after the Four Nations final. Photo / Getty Images

Coach Tim Sheens consoles player Billy Slater after the Four Nations final.

11:21 AM Monday Nov 15, 2010

Only a matter of days ago Australia were rated the best team in rugby league.

Now their media are practically writing obituaries following the Kangaroos’ shock loss to the Kiwis in the Four Nations final.

Here’s a sample of what the Australian rugby league media are saying, after the Kiwis’ comeback win over the Kangaroos on Saturday:

Despite the result the Daily Telegraph’s Dean Ritchie rated the match as of the greatest ever.

“The longest domination in world sport is officially over,” he wrote.

“The tough and fierce Test was one of the best in the modern era and added another important title to the Kiwis’ resume.

“The amazing finish to a stunning match salvaged something from a lacklustre Four Nations. With the Kiwis trailing 12-10 and only one minute and 41 seconds left, Benji Marshall showed his champion qualities. What a star he is.”

There was plenty of praise for the Kiwis’ skipper who set up the victory with some deft touches.

The Sydney Morning Herald’s Glenn Jackson labelled Marshall as the reason the Kiwis won.

“The brilliance of Marshall is such that the Kangaroos felt they had his measure for the vast majority of the match. Yet he still made them pay.”

While Dean Ritchie went as far as rating Marshall as the best in the game.

“He played 34 matches this year – more than any other man in the NRL. But when his country need him, Benji Marshall responded.

“To be able to initiate the final try, scored by Nathan Fien, in mid-November after a gruelling season proves Marshall now has the durability and mental toughness to add to his extraordinary skill.

“Marshall still has mistakes in his game but he and Billy Slater are without doubt the most exciting players in the game today.”

Talking of Slater, the Kangaroos fullback was the focus of some stick after following his nightmare performance in the 2008 World Cup final with another ordinary display on Saturday.

The Australian’s Margie McDonald couldn’t ignore the fullback’s mistakes in a story titled < ‘Suncorp nightmare returns for Billy’.

“He rarely makes a mistake in his NRL matches for the Storm but Billy Slater made a blunder on Saturday night wearing the Australian jumper.

“Because it was at the same venue, and against the same opposition, as a mistake he made two years ago, Slater thought his worst Test nightmare had returned.”

“Slater earlier scored a fine try midway through the second half, which put Australia back in front. But he was clearly still rattled in the dressing-rooms after the game when he was asked how long it had been since he had dropped a high kick.

“‘About an hour ago,’ the Melbourne Storm and Queensland fullback said.”

And despite the All Blacks pulling off a relatively easy win over Scotland on Sunday, AAP’s Laine Clarke wrote that the Kiwis win could put more pressure on the 15-man game in New Zealand.

“The Kiwis reckon their incredible 16-12 Four Nations rugby league victory over the Kangaroos could pave the way for the 13-man code to threaten their national sport in New Zealand.

“It’s a big call – then again the New Zealand rugby league team has a habit of proving people wrong.”

Rugby League Failure Only Tip Of Sh!tty Iceberg

As expected Ausfailure crapped out yet again to the World Champion Kiwis in the rugby league, that’s the third time in 4 finals that the Ockers have choked.

The rugby union mob were national heros last week after finally knocking off the male model dominated All Blacks after 10 failed attempts, but proved that was a fluke when they wen down to Rugby Union laughing stock England in a record loss on Sunday morning.

Ausfailure’s Mark Webber had been leading the Formula One Driver’s Championship until the weekend as well, and true to form crapped out and failed.

If the Aussie losers don’t turn things around soon I’m going to have to employ 30 staff to keep this website up to date. We’ve been detailing Ausfailure’s sporting catastrophes for 20 years now with just the usual skeleton crew but these clowns are on the slippery slope now and keeping up with their losses is becoming a full time job for a small company.

Mastering The Art of Losing When It Counts

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Choke, Choke, Choke

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Choke, Choke, Choke

Poor Ausfailure. They just can’t seem to learn that the key to winning is winning when it counts.

Take their latest humiliating defeat in rugby league at the hands once more of the world champion New Zealand Kiwis in the Four Nations Final which saw New Zealand hammer Ausfailure yet again.

Last week in front of a home crowd at ruggeroid central it was a different story. New Zealand’s brilliant performances had seen them already be the first team to qualify for the final and as we all know with New Zealand in the final it’s time to send the trophy to the engravers. The usual crowd of rugby union fans took their usual places at Eden Park and behaved like the ruggeroid drongoes they are getting drunk and being dickheads. The Kiwi team took the opportunity to have a bit of a warm up, practice a few combinations and get a feel for the game against this sh!thouse pack of losers from the former penile colony.

At the end of the game the green and yellow players were jumping for joy and shedding tears of pride thinking that winning a dead rubber of a game actually counted for something.

Aussie’s long suffering sports fans also suffered from premature ejaculation as they welcomed their pathetic losers back for the final in Suncorp Stadium, home of the World Championship Final that Ausfailure also lost 2 years ago to the mighty Kiwi winning machine.

As it turned out the Kiwis turned up and despite some shocking hometown refereeing from one of the Kangalose team referees they once again served up the lesson about winning when it counts to the green and yellow under achievers from down under.

Aussie sports fans are getting tired of this long string of flukey one off big game wins by the couragous Kiwi sporting heros.

Winnie Gonwindi, a rugby league fan from Bummee NSW summed it up best.  ‘The first fluke was them winning that Leeds Tri Nations final in 2006 and then they followed that up with the fluke Rugby League World Cup title win in 2008 and here we are again in 2010 and they have followed it up with another one off Four Nations win. They might not be much good at rugby league, but they sure are lucky when it comes to the big finals” he whinged.

Socialist Ausfailure’s Prime Minister and best known ginga chick Jules Gilliard joined the rest of the country as she sobbed at yet another humiliating defeat on the international stage. “It’s one thing for our national carrier to have planes falling out of the sky because our people are too fat and lazy to fix them, but to watch our green and yellow sports stars put on such a sh!tty performance in another big final just makes you want to get drunk and hammer the cook” she bawled.

She promised to launch an investagation into why Ausfailure hasn’t won anything worthwhile in nearly 25 years.

“We will leave no stone unturned and will offer an amnesty to our former winners if they can tell us how they cheated and got away with it in the past’ she pledged.

Meanwhile Greg The Muss Inglis has signed with South Sydney after turning his back on an offer to play with last seasons massive under achievers the Brisbane Broncoes. Key Broncoes losers were also in last nights humiliating defeat to New Zealand. Inglis and his salary cap rort with Melbourne Storm was the international sports joke of the last 12 months. Inglis said he knew nothing about his illegal salary, and also said he would join the Broncoes before going back on his word and also said he never assaulted his fiance before pleading guilty.

And Canberra’s Joel Monaghan, famous for his penalty try for cheating in the World Cup final, has left the Canberra club after news of his sex act with a mate’s dog hit the papers. Monaghan has apologised to his former team mates and says he will miss them deeply as he runs away to England to escape the shame and humiliation he has suffered since his doggie pics surfaced. “Those Canberra guys have been a man’s best friend and I’ll miss them a lot’ he said. Monaghan will join up with his new club once he has completed quarantine.

Relief At Hand For Small Dicked Ockers

While importers of Japan grade condoms are happy with the fact that the average Ausfailure man’s dick is 4 inches according to secret government cover-ups not too many others are thrilled with the problem.

Aussie lasses are the biggest losers over the issue and many have ditched the Aussie bloke for more substantially endowed lads from New Zealand, no need to mention Nicole Kidman here.

Some jokers find the situation so bad that they prefer to have sex with dogs rather than have the missus say those 3 words that Aussie males hear far too often ‘Is it in?’

But help is on it’s way as desperate Aussie chicks do their best to accommodate the under sized penile equipment of the Aussie male.

While penis growth hormones are an embarrassingly large import into Ausfailure the number of Australian Medicare-funded operations to reduce the size of women’s genitals has trebled in a decade, in a strong indication some procedures are being performed for cosmetic rather than medical reasons according to recent media reports.

Ted Weaver, president of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, who will speak this week about the issue at the Women’s Hospitals Australasia and Children’s Hospitals Australasia annual conference in Melbourne asks the question “If women have big labia, does that really make them less desirable?”

A case never mind the labia, just get me the Labrador?

Ausfailure Unleashed

A Man's Best Friend, in Ausfailure

This website has often said Ausfailure is going to the dogs and has highlighted the trip. We will continue to do so as this is our service to humanity, of which Ausfailure is welcome to join any time. It looks a long way off though after events this week showed just what a pack of slobbering primates the Aussie race is.

The high point of Ausfailure culture is rugby league. This is a game where men play a bit of footy and then have group sex afterward. The group sex sometimes involves a woman, sometimes she even consents, but the main goal is for the blokes to have sex with each other and pretend they ain’t poofters.

There have been thousands of incidents recently that have shocked some people about just how low down the evolutionary ladder the Aussie male is. When the Bulldogs went up to Coff’s Harbour and had a gang bang in a motel room they had such a good time with it they went back the next year and did it again.

Matthew Johns was the subject of an Aussie documentary about how much dipping your wick into the spent semen of your team mates is an essential part of Ausfailure culture.

The Brisbane Broncoes recently celebrated beating gang rape charges when 3 of their players gang banged a sheila in a pub sh!thouse. The 3 said the lass was willing, she said she wasn’t. 3 against 1 sorry doll. Next time you need to take a dump, take a few witnesses.

But just grabbing some random passerby and ripping her clothes off and all piling on top of her isn’t the only disgusting habit of Aussie rugby league players.

Current Ausfailure stand off Todd Carney took the opportunity to show what a grub he was when he took a dump in the corridor of a luxury hotel. This was after allegedly urinating on a man in a Canberra nightclub in July 2008. That was after his police car chase whilst drunk, and already disqualified.  Carney received rugby league’s highest honor last year from his Ausfailure counterparts.

Julian O’Niell’s favorite party trick is to take a crap in a team mates shoe, then chunder on the walls of his hotel room.

When the news of these proud moments in Ausfailure sport surface the players all apologise and tell how sorry they are that news of their mongrolicity is now public.

No one believes them, but it’s nice to know they would rather we thought they weren’t the huge heaps of sh!t that they really are.

The fact is that Ausfailure’s rugby league hero’s are not much more than pigs who have been partially trained to perform in public. Unfortunately that training only includes the ability to walk on two legs, it kind of stops there.

And so it brings us to the latest episode in ‘How Low Can Ausfailure Go?’

Well, how about the news this week of Aussie test center Joel Monaghan admitting that photos circulated widely of him and a dog engaging in a sex act were genuine.

That’s right, an Ausfailure representative rugby league player and a dog getting down and dirty.

In Monaghan’s defense, the sex was consensual. The photos clearly show the dog was gagging for it.

Ausfailure’s rugby league fans have been asked to support an awful lot over the last few decades. Wife beaters seem to have a free run in Aussie league circles, drug addiction seems to be near compulsory, alcohol abuse seems to be a pre-requisite. Group sex is an every day ockerance.

As we sit stunned and wonder just how a group of Aussie lads can all stand around and take photographs of one of them having sex with a dog the next question has to be ‘What disgusting low act of sub human behavior do Aussie rugby league meatheads have planned for the off season?’

It’s obviously going to contain a million gallons of alcohol, some drugs, sh!t, semen, animals, a cell phone, an embarrassed David Gallop and that essential element in all of this, an Aussie rugby league player or 20.

One thing is for sure, if an Aussie offers to walk your dog this summer, just say no.

Watch and Download Full Movie Erosion (2017)

Erosion (2017)



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Aussies On Target To Lose Yet Another Ashes Series


Kangaroo Roadkill, or Aussie Cricket Team 2010 Style

Sri Lanka became the first side to beat Australia in a Twenty20 International on their own soil after they won their match in Perth by seven wickets.

Australia’s poor form across all forms of the game ahead of the Ashes series continued as their 10-game Twenty20 home streak ended. They have now lost four straight Twenty20 matches, as well as three consecutive Tests and their last completed one-day international.

The visitors restricted Australia to 133 for eight from their innings and had to chase just 6.70 runs per over to win. Sri Lanka then cruised to their small target to secure their first win in any form of the game in Perth, with Tillakaratne Dilshan (41 off 34) and Kumar Sangakkara (44 not out off 43) starring.

Dirk Nannes, Peter Siddle and Steve Smith were the wicket-takers for Australia after their batters put up a total they were always going to struggle to defend.

Australia made a dreadful start with the bat, falling to 43 for five in the 11th over, but Brad Haddin (35) and Smith (34) consolidated the team’s innings. They put on 66 from 43 balls to give the hosts some hope. Suraj Randiv (three for 25) and Thisara Perera (two for 22) led an impressive bowling performance for the tourists.

Sri Lanka were always in control during their run chase after scoring 27 off their first three overs. Tillakaratne Dilshan and Mahela Jayawardene put on 35 from just 22 balls for the first wicket, before the latter edged a Siddle deliver through to Haddin while on 24.

Nannes then wrapped Dinesh Chandimal on the pads and he was given out lbw for two by umpire Bruce Oxenford, despite the ball appearing to be pitched well outside leg stump.

The dismissals did not slow down Sri Lanka’s run-rate, which was still at nine per over after five overs, pushing the required rate below six. Dilshan and Sangakkara looked comfortable against all of Australia’s bowlers, gradually moving towards their target without any rash strokes.

After a brief period of consolidating the innings, they attacked some lifeless bowling by the home side to speed up the inevitable.

Dilshan was stumped by Haddin for 41 off Smith’s bowling but Sangakkara and Perera saw Sri Lanka to their target, with the latter scoring 16 off three Smith deliveries to end the game.

Watch Full Movie Same Kind of Different as Me (2017)

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Genre : Drama.
Duration : 1 hours 36 minutes
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Movie ‘Same Kind of Different as Me’ was released in October 20, 2017 in genre Drama. Michael Carney was directed this movie and starring by Renée Zellweger. This movie tell story about International art dealer Ron Hall must befriend a dangerous homeless man in order to save his struggling marriage to his wife, a woman whose dreams will lead all three of them on the journey of their lives.
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Ausfailure Wins Poofter Competition

NZ Male Model and All Black Dan Carter In His Lingerie Photo Shoot

Aussies shed tears of pride last night as their poofter team finally managed to out poofter fellow poofters the All Blacks. The All Blacks are a team of male models from New Zealand who have been on a winning streak against Ausfailure’s poofters for the last 5 or 6 years.

Ausfailure’s poofters have modeled themselves on the Kiwi arse bandits but have lacked the ability to do much more than be second rate poofters, until now.

Ausfailure leads the world in being second rate following their recent Commonwealth Games record silver medal haul.

Poofters love rugby due to the prolonged physical contact the game provides whereas heterosexuals tend to be more inclined to the game of rugby league despite the huge number of Aussie rugby league players who like to join each other for group sex after the games.

“There’s always going to be a bit of over enthusiastic male bonding involving sex when you include Aussies in anything’ said a prominent Aussie cross dresser.

“But that doesn’t mean rugby league is as much a poofter sport as rugby yet” he/she implored.

Ausfailure’s under siege sports fans were unimpressed with the win.

“So we beat a bunch of poofters and proved we are better at being poofters than the other poofters” said a rugby league fan from Bummee NSW.

“Being world champion poofters is all very well, but the rugby league world cup is still held by New Zealand” he sobbed.

But some Aussie sports fans were thrilled with their poofters efforts.

“I always had faith that when it came to poofter sports like rugby our dear boys were always going to be better at it than anything that New Zealand could throw at us because of our depth” said Richard Smoker from Wangjoos Queensland.

“New Zealand has what, 20 to 30 poofters but we have nearly 14 million” he squealed.

Ausfailure’s beleaguered prime minister is also welcoming the win at poofter sport.

“Our rugby league men might not be up to beating anyone other than their fiances but at least our arse bandit team can take on other men and come out on top” she said.

Aussie rugby league fans demanded New Zealand return the rugby league world cup following their poofter team’s loss to the Aussie poofters.

New Zealand’s poofter team were in tears at the loss.

“We tried our poofter best, but the Aussies were simply bigger poofters than us” said a member of New Zealand’s losing poofter team.

“Now you know how we have felt with all our other sports over the last 15 years” said a spokesperson for the Greg Norman Foundation.

Meanwhile the world champion New Zealand rugby league team thrashed their rivals in Rotorua last night by a 64 point margin recalling the huge victories over Ausfailure’s Kangalose in rugby league in recent years.

Boat People Help Loser Nation At Games

Officials Check For Medal Hopefuls

Not normally known for opening their arms to visitors Ausfailure does of course have it’s famous double standard when people trying to escape other countries are good at sport.

Being good at sport in Ausfailure is also good for keeping you out of jail if the missus needs snotting as we learned this year when we witnessed rugby league super star Greg Inglis admit assaulting his woman but was lucky enough to not even have a conviction recorded.

But as Ausfailure comes to grips with it’s depleted source of sports people actually any good at anything and mourn their Sporting Capital of the World status help is at hand from desperate people trying to escape the misery of the rest of the third world.

Ausfailure’s Sydney Morning Herald carried the following news.


A Russian, Austrian and Cameroonian walk into a village.

All wearing Australian colours. All with Commonwealth Games gold medals.

And all proud to bring Games glory to their adopted homeland.

Australia’s medal tally at the Delhi Games has swollen from the feats of a host of athletes not born in Australia.

There’s Simplice Ribouem, who hopes his weightlifting gold will lift a weight from his mind: the absence of his family, who remain in Cameroon.

“After training I get back into bed and think … I have a good life in Australia, what about them in Cameroon?,” said the 27-year-old who was born in Douala, the largest city in Cameroon.

“What do I have to do to bring them here to enjoy the same life like me?

“I beg the government to help me with that.”

There’s also Thomas Pichler, a dual gold medal gymnast in Delhi.

Pichler was born in Vorarlberg, Austria, with a hole in his heart and a rare skin disease.

He moved to Australia with his family aged five, after doctors said the skin disease would be cured if he lived in warmer climes.

And what about the massive man, Ivan Popov, who won Australia’s first wrestling gold medal at a Commonwealth Games in 32 years.

Popov was born in Omsk, Russia – the son of former Olympic and world champion Soviet wrestler Vladimir Popov – and grappled his way to the 120kh Greco-Roman gold.

“I am really happy for me, for Australia … thank you for supporting me,” said the overwhelmed 204cm-tall Popov.

Fellow Russian-born athlete Anastasia Rodinova came to Australia five years ago, and captured the first ever tennis gold medal at a Commonwealth Games.

The quartet were among 55 of Australia’s 369 athletes in Delhi who were born in another country.

The list of birth places includes Mauritius, where long jump gold medal winner Fabrice Lapierre was born – he moved to Australia with his family when aged two.

Kazakhstan, Iran, Ethiopia, China, Tanzania, Ireland, Poland, Korea, South Africa, Sweden, Mauritius, Malaysia, Papua New Guinea, Tonga, New Zealand and Indonesia also feature on the list.

The Australian team has coaches born in Bulgaria, Italy, England, Belarus, China, Germany and Czech Republic.

There are physiotherapists born in Scotland and England; section managers from Wales and Fiji.

All have helped build a team representing the truly diverse melting pot which makes Australia.

“Not only are they great role models for their country but (it represents) the different multicultural nature of our country,” Australia’s chef de mission Steve Moneghetti said.

“We promote Australia as being so multicultural, well, here you’ve got examples of great role models within the community and proving that is an actual fact.

“Sport is such a great vehicle for so many people in Australia to be able to feel accepted and get out and make good links within the community.”

Moneghetti said Ribouem, who didn’t leave Australia after winning weightlifting gold for Cameroon at the 2006 Melbourne Games, was the classic example.

“(Ribouem) is the proof at the top end,” Moneghetti said.

“And I’m sure that is providing some good messages into the general community in Australia.”

The man himself named Simplice, simply summed it up.

“For the migrants, for the refugees, you can be a good refugee,” Ribouem said.

“Not a refugee for fun, not a refugee for trouble, but a refugee for Australia.”

Ausfailure ‘dumb blonde’ of the world:Official

Ausfailure Dumb Blond

Aus Prime Minister Interview On Letterman

Australia is viewed as the “dumb blonde” of the world, attractive but shallow and unintelligent, says a visiting British branding expert.

Simon Anholt, who has advised more than 40 countries on national identity and reputation, said Australia’s one-dimensional image meant that events such as attacks on Indian students could do greater damage than in countries with which people were more familiar. “A well-rounded national reputation is an insurance policy against that kind of thing,” he said.

Mr Anholt addressed a conference on international education conference in Sydney organised by IDP Education, the international student recruitment company half-owned by 38 Australian universities.

Australia’s international education industry, which is worth more than A$18 billion annually, is facing a large drop in enrolments as a result of a number of factors, including the strong dollar, changes to migration rules and the fallout from several attacks on Indian students.

Mr Anholt said the results of an annual national reputation survey he oversees with public affairs company GfK Roper showed Australia’s reputation in India had been badly tarnished.

Overall, the survey of 39,000 people in 26 countries ranked Australia the ninth most admired country. But Mr Anholt said the success of tourism promotion campaigns had produced an “unbalanced” view of the country.

“What you have is an image of a country that is considered to be very decorative, but not very useful,” he said.

Mr Anholt said Australia relied too much on “logos and slogans” in its efforts to change people’s minds about the country. “Rather than waste time fiddling around with promotional campaigns, what Australia needs to do is to invest in the sectors which demonstrate its seriousness and its capability and education is one of them.”

Another such area was culture. Mr Anholt said Australia was unusual among developed nations in not having an organisation devoted to the promotion of culture, such as Germany’s Goethe Institute or France’s Alliance Francaise.

Mr Anholt said the US did not have such an organisation, but arguably did not need one because of the global reach of its entertainment industry. “But Australia has Les Patterson, and I don’t think that’s enough.”

Mr Anholt also questioned the worth of Tourism Australia’s decision to bring out US talk show host Oprah Winfrey and her audience for a series of programs in December.